Diarrhea of the Keyboard

A Bloody Pulp

2012-02-15T14:53:00.000-08:00

I got an email from Dillon's teacher today. It was heart breaking to read. I feel like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest and diced into a bloody pulp. Vulgar, I know. But you would feel the same way if you got the email I got. I'll give you the highlights:

I am concerned about his social withdrawl.

He is getting to the point where his grades are far below grade level.

He also was writing down some things about no one loving him except his grandma and mom.

Depressing, right?

Top 5 reasons I'm glad I didn't have a girl

2011-09-30T13:50:00.001-07:00

5. I can't braid.

4. I don't like shopping or doing laundry. Girls love clothes and change a lot.

3. Dolls creep me out. Especially the ones now. They cry, they pee, they poop, you have to feed them and they burp. Another child? No thanks! What's next?...Period Pattie? "Massage Pattie's tummy when she has cramps". Seriously!

2. It's much easier to demonstrate how to put a condom on that how to insert a tampon.

AND the number 1 reason? Drumroll please......because I HATE Justin Beiber. I think he's ugly. I think he has zero talent and I think he sets a poor example for his demographic. The sound of his name even annoys me.

So there you have it. Why I'm grateful for my son!

What!

2011-09-30T10:37:00.001-07:00

Why did no one tell me there's a Blogger app on my phone?! I think I may become a blogging fool now. Stay tuned...

4th Grade

2011-09-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

Armed with a new medication regiment (fingers crossed), all new supplies (green was my theme this year) and a positive outlook that this year will be the best yet, 4th grade commenced on September 1st. The night before was an anxiety filled nightmare, but once he learned ~~his dream girl~~ Mackenzie was in his class again this year (they last had 1st grade together), he quickly turned his frown upside down. The first day was thankfully a success. No running after me when I left. No tears. No drama. Unlike the prior years.

I'm pretty positive this year is gonna be great. I know, I know, I say that every year blah, blah, blah. But this year for sure. I can feel it in my bones! This year is all about California history and missions (YES!!) and the gold rush. Stuff Dillon loves. Although I'm not sure how homework is gonna work out this year since I won't be able to help him. I'm not hip on the Trigonometry they're pushing on 9 year olds these days and I really don't have the drive to go back to school and learn so that I can, in turn, help my kid with homework. I already know we will be google-ing answers a lot this year.

Ms. Carder seems nice. I think we will all get along nicely. Although I don’t see her and I hanging out much in our free times since her introduction specifically states she's into yoga and running and she can often be seen running the trails around the school. Ya, I'm pretty sure we won't be socializing outside the front office at school anytime soon since my idea of Yoga is a pair of stretchy pants and running is something you do with water when you want to take a bath, not something a person does and certainly not this person. I believe her too. Her size negative zero waist and SUPER tan legs are proof she isn't vegging on the couch in the evenings munching on Dibs (they're the new bon bon's, 'cause who really eats bon bon's anyway) while watching Teen Mom, since the two go hand in hand. So I've heard anyway…. Ya, so, she seems really nice and I think I like her. Dillon thinks he does too, which is a plus.

Before I end this with pictures of my stellar student on the first day of school, no FIRST-DAY-OF-SCHOOL blog post would be complete without my annual rant about how much it now costs to send my ONE child to school these days for his FREE education. After all the money spent and the truckload of supplies he showed up with on the first day, I STILL got a letter home on the first day that he needs a-NOTHER $5.50 for a "Minder Binder". Really? Because the 2 binders and multitudes of notebooks I bought him off the list just wasn’t enough?? And $5.50?? Is that plus tax? In my head I was thinking I just need to shut up and fork over the 22 quarters because schools are strapped and teachers are practically working for free and I must do my part. That is until I read the end of Ms. Carder's introduction where she proceeded to say she spent her summer backpacking through Europe. Europe!!? Just so we're all on the same page, while I was busy shopping for Top Ramen at the 99 cent store to save money for the Crayola Crayons I had to buy (because no other brand is acceptable), she was posing for Facebook photos in front of the Eiffel Tower. Nuf said!

Here, now you may enjoy some pics of my Nooshie.

My future doctor/engineer/insert high paying respectable job here.

I myself LOVE a great name tag! Kudos, Ms. Carder!

Already hard at work!

Life is a Circus these days

2011-07-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

My life has been a circus lately. We are somewhat, officially moved in to the new house. Did I mention I HATE moving?! There's still a few things left at the old apartment and I have to turn the keys over this weekend so it will be crazy for a few more days. I've had time for nothing else. I've almost forgotten what Facebook looks like. But here is home-sweet-home for those that haven't seen it....

It's wonderful and I love it and I'm grateful that it came along when it did. Dillon loves it! We also LOVE our new neighbors. They are gracious and helpful and generous and super cool! I can honestly say there has been only one downside to the move…the distance. I got quite used to being able to be to work in 5-10 minutes, so that will take some getting used to. But it definitely has been a circus lately getting things unpacked and settled but it's slowly all coming together.

Speaking of circus….we have the Greatest Show on Earth coming up next week and I'm excited and looking forward to it. There's still time to get your tickets if you haven't already. Don't forget, use the code word MOM and you save moolah on the tickets. Get 'em at Ringling.com or Ticketmaster. We'll be there and so should you!

The Greatest Show On Earth

2011-06-21T08:56:00.001-07:00

I was pretty crushed when Oprah ended her show a few weeks ago because #1 on my bucket list was to go to the Oprah show in Chicago for a taping. Oprah's been on since I was knee hight to a grasshopper and I've ALWAYS wanted to do that! There's nothing I can do now but pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on to #2 on the list, which is the Circus. Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey to be exact…The Greatest Show On Earth®. Take that Oprah!! Yup, I have NEVER been to the circus and I am sooo excited. It's COMING and I'M GOING!! And just so we're clear, if I've never been, that mean Dillon hasn’t either and he's gonna be so "ssscited"!

Every ticket comes with a FREE All Access Pre-Show Power-Up Party where you can meet the performers, try on costumes and learn circus tricks. I hope I get to meet these guys…..

The Brothers of Brawn. Yes, it's amazing they're as wide as they are tall. BUUUUT, I want to meet them so I can thank them for not wearing socks with those sandals! It would totally draw attention away from the HAUTE skirts they're wearing.

And then there's this chick…she's such a show off!

And, call me a prude but, I don't know if this is appropriate for kids to see….

That guy on top really needs to think about decreasing the dosage on his Viagra. Just sayin'!

Kidding aside, I really am excited! How can you not be when you have this to look forward to…

If you aren't going to Fully Charged, then you're, well, I don't know. Just go. It will be fun. They have cheap tickets and if you're in the OC, it's at the Honda Center and there's really no bad seats there. Plus, if you use the code word MOM you will save $4 on tickets!!! Tickets are on sale NOW so go to Ringling.com or Ticketmaster.com to get them. Don't forget…MOM…M-O-M.

Be there or be ~~the person who has to clean up all the poop from these GINORMOUS Elephants~~ square!

Indian Givers

2011-06-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

They said I could have it and then took it back. Yep, it's official. No more having to wonder. I got the call last night. I'm heartbroken. But I have to move on. I now have just a week and half to find something before I have to give notice on my apartment. I have a couple places in mind but the shortened time definitley makes it even more stressful. Wish me luck!

Say a little prayer for me

2011-05-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

If I pray hard enough and if the world doesn’t end this weekend, this could be our new home-sweet-home…

I have tried not to get attached or too excited or whatever - but if that means not thinking about it 24/7 or not dreaming of pulling in the driveway everyday and grabbing my mail from that mailbox next to the door or not drawing maps of the house all day and plotting where I will put the furniture or not googling the cost of firewood that I will put in my new fireplace or not thinking about it to the point that I become overwhelmed and get a lump in my throat and feel that I will either A, vomit or B, cry or C, BOTH or not envisioning washing my car on Saturday mornings in my driveway or not thinking about ordering the OC Register on the weekends so I can hear the newspaper delivery man's truck pull up and listen to the SMACK of my plastic covered newspaper hitting the cold concrete and read the paper while I drink my coffee..then I have FAILED, miserably! Because that's all I do. I feel as though it'sthisclose but I will be devastated if it slips through my fingers. DEVESTATED!

Bless You!

2011-05-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

Competitive bless-you-ers annoy me. Like when you're not even done getting your sneeze out and they're screaming BLESSYOU so they can be first to say it before anyone else. Why else would they tackle you with blessings if they're weren't racing?? It's not as if your chances of getting sick diminish the faster you are blessed. Or, if you're the bless-er, you don't get a BETTER heaven because you blessed people first or the mostest. Then there's those bless-ers that throw you a curve ball and say it another language. Gesundheit. Or Salud.

And must you really be blessed EVERY time you sneeze? And why do we "bless" anyway? To prevent you from getting sick? If it's meant to be, it's gonna happen. I don't think that my co-worker blessing me is gonna change all that.

I feel like I sometimes get dirty looks for not "blessing". #1, you already said it, why do I need to too?! #2, what if I bless someone who I don't know is an atheist or something?! I bless someone and then next thing I know the bless-ee is going postal on me. I mean, it could turn ugly real quick if you bless the wrong person. And it gets really awkward when you’re a room with you and like 3 other people and one person sneezes and the other two bless the sneezer and you don't say anything. They all look at you and shoot death rays from their eyes. But again, why must we all 3 bless them?

My point is this, I think we should stop blessing people - at least until rules are established. Like how long after a person sneezes should you wait to bless them? What if they sneeze multiple times in a row..do you say it everytime? And if you say it more than once shouldn’t you be required to say Gesundheit? I mean, who can say that 5 times fast. Blessyou just rolls off the tongue after a while, but GesundheitGesundheitGesundheitGesundheit….you start slurring the word after two times and by the third time, who knows what you're saying then. Or what if you just greet people and say bless you as part of your hello, can that just cover them for the day or even better, life? Like, "Hey Ash, how's your day going? Oh, BTW, bless you today and for that matter this year"! Maybe your blessing can like be renewed each year on your birthday.

Or how about we start blessing for other things. Like wouldn't a blessing be better suited for when you fart. I mean when you sneeze, you either are or aren't gonna get sick or whatever you're being blessed for. But a fart..a blessing could mean the difference between it just being a fart or you sharting yourself. Orrrr, how about the sneee-zer has to bless people! They have to bless everyone around them that they didn't just get infected with whatever grossness just flew out of their nose/mouth. Some people really sneeze gross too. Like just hearing it makes me want to dry off. It sounds like they went all daffy duck and were like spraying wetness everywhere. Or the people that sneeze SUPER loud. Like where does that noise come from? What body part makes you holler like that when you sneeze?? Or the people that sneeze over and over and over and over and over and over. Jeez, does it ever end?! It's like a race to see who can sneeze the most. It's these people that keep the competitive bless-you-ers in business!

I'm on a mission to change the rules of BLESSYOU's, worldwide. Bless me!

I hate to burst my bubble...

2011-05-09T14:49:00.000-07:00

The bubble. It sounded so pretentious when I moved here. Pretentious, I'm not. Coming from L.A. County, born and raised, I was a bit put off by the bubble. But it really is a bubble. Everything you need is right here. You don’t have to leave. Your safe and sound in the bubble. I have come to love and appreciate the bubble and all its glory! I swore I would never live in Orange County. But at the time, gas prices were crazy, like they are now. I was commuting 2 hours in traffic and spending god knows how much on gas. At the time I didn't have a lot of reason to stay down there. Moving to the OC only made sense. After all, I had worked here for 7 years. Yep, commuted for 7 years! I thought I was a pro at it. Still do. But then I moved to the bubble. Irvine. I've been nearly 4 years now. My lease is coming up and I have made the decision to move. Things have changed and my astronomical rent - you would literally smack your chest at your heart and your jaw drop and gasp for air if I told you how much it is - is no longer feasible. It was then, but it's not anymore. I need to face facts. As hard as it is. I've been looking. But the scary part is I must also now face the prospect of moving out of the bubble. I will stay close so Dillon can go to the same school. He only has 2 more years of elementary school anyway. While we won't be in the Irvine district, I can always apply for transfers to keep him going to the great schools. After all, that was a major factor for me moving to the bubble. I've found a place "across the tracks" in Tustin. The thought of moving there leaves me with mixed emotions. I lose my sense of security. Our sex offender number goes up (slightly). These are things that if I think about them long enough will freak me out to the verge of an anxiety attack. Then make me not want to leave the bubble. But I must. The new place is, ummm, quaint, I guess you could say. It’s a house, on a culd-e-sac. With a HUGE back yard. Big enough for a puppy…hmmmm…..and a pool. It has potential. But it's not in Irvine. I'm gonna take another look at it tonight and then sleep on it. But I'm scared to leave my bubble.

Nine

2011-04-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

I used to hold your head in the palm of my hand. Now I can see your head in my rear view mirror.
You were the reason I got no sleep. Now you are the reason I wake up every morning.
You used to love to say "ball". Now you tell me "My balls are squished!"
Back then you told me you loved me with your eyes and a smile. Now you tell me "I love you more, Mommy".
I used to kiss your little mouth, open like a little bird. Now you pucker up and kiss me back.
Your little hand used to grip my finger with all your might. Now you hold my hand when we watch TV at night.
No matter how big you get, you're still my baby.

I love you more than all the fish in all the sea's and all the stars in all the skies…Happy Birthday Noosh! *tears*

(pardon the squinty eyes..his glasses are getting new lenses)

One for the books

2011-03-14T16:27:00.001-07:00

A miracle of sorts occurred today in my world. Dillon was hangin' out on the playground at school when he stumbled across this...

And instead of doing this...

He took it to the principals office and turned it in! I'm so ~~pissed because I could have really used that money~~ proud of him because this is the first time he has ever found something that didn’t belong to him and did the right thing. HUGE progress, HUGE! Maybe there is light at the end of our tunnel afterall.

Bento-Unfabulous

2011-02-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm still on the Bento-Bandwagon, in case you were wondering. But we've been having some flat tires…my bento's have been lacking lately and lunches are coming home un-eaten again. I need to revitalize my efforts. I've thought lately that one way I can do that is with new supplies. Silicone cups, picks, etc. are all on my agenda. Maybe even a new bento container. I've still got my eye on a Planet Box but I'm still struggling with the cost. I've also been checking out Lunch Bots too. One of the two are in my near future. I can feel it! All Things For Sale is a big Bento supplier and they're having a great giveaway right now. Wanna enter with me? I want the Panda Prize Pack. It has all the things I want and would LOVE! Click HERE for details on how to enter. The contest closes on 2/20, so hurry! Happy Bento-ing!

Woe is Me

2011-02-10T11:06:00.000-08:00

He plays the victim. He doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions. If I tell him something he's done wrong he breaks down "well no body cares", "no body helps me at school", he yells to me as he's sobbing. This morning it was the shorts. I told him to go to his closet and get a pair of pants. He came back with ones that were too small. I told him to go back. He came back with a pair of shorts. I knew he didn’t want to wear shorts to school. He doesn’t like his legs or people looking at his legs (a blog for another time). I told him to go back again and he completely lost it. "Well there's no pants"! His eyes filling with tears. OVER PANTS! I marched him back to his closet to find a pair, the whole while was a blubbering mess yelling, "no one cares", "no one ever wants to help me", "everyone at school is mean to me". The same things over and over. He had done this two nights before when he got upset up his homework. It's the "no body loves me, everybody hates me" syndrome, as I like to call it. Or the "woe is me". It's playing the victim.

When adults do it, I have no sympathy or compassion for them whatsoever. It will turn me off to a person real quick. If you watch Teen Mom2, Janelle did it on this week's episode. She was crying "no one ever hugs me, no one ever tells me they love me". Woe is me! It made me sick. But when it's my own son, then what do I do? I can't just unfriend him with the click of a button or change the channel. I mean, part of me gets real sad that he feels like no one cares or whatever, but at the same time I know that's not the truth. The other part of me wants to tell him to stop because it's bullshit. But then is that me downplaying his feelings? If that's really how he feels, then who am I to say he can't feel that way. I can't make him feel how he should feel. I think it's up to him to feel how he should. But to me, it's almost like he fights back the feelings he should feel so that then he can feel like the victim. If that makes any sense at all. Almost like repeatedly telling yourself your unhappy, unhappy, unhappy, so that you can portray unhappiness to others and get sympathy, when in fact you are happy and have nothing to be unhappy about. I mean, he's 8! He has no worries. To him he does, but to me, he doesn’t.

I sometimes wonder too if this is depression for him. He just completely breaks down. It's like he has months of built up anger and tears and sadness and the littlest thing will set him off and the dam breaks and he loses it. I don’t think an 8 year old should be that sad or break down like that. I mean ya, they have a little fit when you tell them they can't watch TV or pout or whatever. But to completely lose it, it doesn’t seem right to me. I don’t know. Is he depressed? Is there something I'm not giving him that he needs, physically, emotionally or otherwise? I know where it comes from though. That much I do know. He gets it from DBD. DBD does that shit. That's part of the reason I kicked DBD to the curb. It was always everyone else's fault. He was always the victim. Never took responsibility for his own actions. Still doesn’t! That's part of the reason it makes me so mad when Dillon does it because I had to deal with it from his Dad and I'm over that shit. I can't deal with the melodramatic. I don’t want my son to turn out like his Dad. So what do I do? What can I do? I really need to get my act together and find him a new therapist. I need someone to tell me why he does this and what I can do to stop it. But I wonder if it's even as simple as that. If it's imbedded in his DNA, can it even be fixed? I just want him to be happy.

Countdown

2011-02-07T10:19:00.000-08:00

We're on countdown at our house. T-minus 5 days until…

Dillon is SUPER excited for Saturday! He's more thrilled about getting to "take the tour", a.k.a. going to the pits. It's the last show at Angel's Stadium and there's still time to get tickets if you haven't. Don't forget to use the code word MOMMY when you buy your tickets, you'll save $5 off $32 and $22 seats (not valid day of show). Tickets are available at Ticketmaster.com or at the Stadium Box Office. Tickets are more the day of the show. I'll be sure and take LOTS of pictures for share and tell!

A Real Life Perv!

2011-01-28T10:42:00.001-08:00

I care about you all. Everyone one of you phantom readers that read my blog but don't actually "follow" me (yes, I know you read..Blogger tells me so). I care about you deeply. Which is why I want you and your children to be safe. So, since I care, I'm going to show you what a sexual predator looks like. Maybe you've wondered, maybe you haven't. Maybe the pencil sketches of molesters they show you on the news just isn't enough and you want to see what one actually looks like. Maybe you've never checked out Megan's Law. So here I am once again performing a service to the community. Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, I present to you….THE PERV!

You might be wondering how I know that's what they look like. O, let me tell you. You see that predator in the picture is me. Yep! I was pulled over this morning wearing the above disguise because they thought I was a sexual predator searching for children. True Story! The details of where I was or why I was dressed this way I have to leave out to protect myself and my cause, so please don't ask. Buuut, know that I CERTAINLY had no intention of appearing to be a perv. That wasn’t the look I was going for at all. I was minding my own business when I apparently caught the eye of a concerned citizen/teacher at a nearby school and she called the police. Who quickly pulled me over and took me out of the car for questioning, in what turned out to be, BY FAR, the most horrific/embarrassing moment of my life. HANDS DOWN! Apparently they were on high alert in the area because of recent predator sightings and I picked the wrong day to show up looking like I did. And trust me, I'm not mad at the lady that called (whoever she is). Did you see that picture?!...I would have called the police too if I saw me roaming around! Luckily the humor of it all is starting to take over the fear and embarrassment I'm feeling. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you the story in greater detail so you can laugh your ass off, unless you already are. But until then, I still feel like cowering under a bridge somewhere like a troll…to work on a new disguise….'cause this one failed MISERABLY!

Monster Jam!

2011-01-25T15:20:00.000-08:00

I've got 2 words for you. Grave. Digger.

Not this one…

But this ONE!!…

Dillon LOVES trucks! He's a boy, of course he does. It's like embedded in their DNA. They exit the womb knowing how to make truck and car noises. But he is going to die when I tell him we're going to Monster Jam. Die!

Not this kind of die…

Jeez, I'm not THAT morbid!

More like this kind…

Despite the reddish hair, pale skin and freckles, rest assured that is NOT Dillon. But since you won't be there when I tell him, imagine that's what he'll look like.

I always know it's Monster Truck season when I hear that SUPER deep-throated-voice guy on the radio announcing "the return of GRAAAAAAVE DIGGGGER". If you live in So Cal, you probably know who I'm talking about. Ever since I knew I was having a boy child, I have DREAMED of the day I could take him to see the Monster Trucks. Literally dreamed! This year my dream is coming true! We're going! WOOO HOOO!

The Advance Auto Parts Monster Jam is back at Angel Stadium! Back for more high-flying, car-crushing ACTION! GRAVE DIGGER® and GRAVE DIGGER LEGEND® will be there, among others. I can't wait to see this one...

MOWHAWK WARRIOR!!! Doesn't it look Awesome!!?

There's still two more shows at Angel Stadium and they've even added an L.A. show at Dodgers Stadium. I think everyone should go! They have cheap kid's tickets AND right now if you use code word MOMMY when you buy your tickets, you'll save $5 off $32 and $22 seats (not valid day of show, so get 'em NOW). Tickets are available at Ticketmaster.com or at the Stadium Box Office. Tickets are more the day of the show. Another reason you need to get them NOW! Rock and Roar!

Dillon's Anatomy

2011-01-22T18:02:00.000-08:00

The Noosh-inator and I have had a pretty rough week this week. I have been blessed with a pretty healthy kid and so doctors and hospitals aren't something we typically visit. I would die a happy mom if I never saw another one after the week we had. It all started Monday night, after dinner. Dillon complained his stomach was hurting, to the point he was in tears. I gave him some drugs and sent him on his merry way…to bed. At 2:00 in the morning he woke up screaming and crying huge alligator tears. He was inconsolable. Squirming around restlessly trying to almost run away from the pain, only realizing it kept following him. Tuesday morning I called the doc. I talked to the nurse while making the appointment and she said it sounded like his appendix and I should take him the ER. UMMMM, YA, I'm gonna pass on that one….no THANKS! At my last open enrollment my insurance was changed to a much more ~~stellar~~ crappy-er insurance company and my hospital co-pay went from $50 to $100. Pretty much, we will be avoiding the ER from this point forward. Unless there's a geyser of blood exiting from any part of the body or unless DBD starts kickin' down with some child support, the only ER we'll be seeing, is on Grey's Anatomy! I politely told her we would just wait for the 9:30 appointment. I was pretty confident he would live until then.

We saw the doctor. She sent us for x-rays, blood work (that was drama) and a CT scan (that was even MORE drama!). He was a trooper with the x-rays…..

He only got weirded out when the girl wanted him to take of his pants and put on a gown. Then came the blood work. Remember I said he was pretty healthy…so he's never had blood drawn. He pretty much flipped out. You would have thought he was being attacked by a gang of vampires! This is him in the elevator after the blood work….

That's NOT his happy face! The CT scan was even worse. It was 3 hours after we saw the doctor and even though he had breakfast, she said no food or drink until the CT scan and so of course all of the sudden he was "starving". Completely famished! If she hadn't of said anything he wouldn’t have even thought about food til dinner, but noooooo…"mommy, I'm hungry"…"mommy, can I please have a drink"…was all I heard for threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hours!! In the CT scan it took me and 2 guys to hold him down to put the IV in his arm for the contrast. He was FREAK-INGGG out! Screaming bloody murder! At one point I put my face down close to his mouth to muffle the scream and he bit my cheek! I'm waiting til he's better to "address" that with him (wink, wink).

The results came back and the doc said it was his appendix. She sent us to CHOC in Orange, to the ER(!), on Tuesday night(!), to be with every drug-addict-who-thought-they'd-overdosed and every inexperienced-mother-who-doesn't-know-how-to-treat-their-kids-cold-and-takes-them-to-the-emergency-room and every prostitute-with-a-strange-itch-down-there, in all of Orange County. She wanted them to look at the report and decide if his appendix needed to come out. This also required me to have to call DBD. Because, well, I'm a nice person deep down inside, and that's what nice people do…they let their ex-husband know if their kid is about to have surgery. DBD shocked us all (well, just me) and showed up to the hospital even. For the record, he's still a DBD though. That, in no way, relieves him of the DBD title. After god knows how many hours, we saw the surgeon. Long story short, he said it wasn’t Dillon's appendix and he wasn’t going to do surgery and it was pretty much just constipation and take him home and have a good night. Which is pretty much what I did..took him home. But we DID NOT have a good night! As soon as we got home..the pain started again and it continued alllllllll the way until Friday. Friday I called the doctor back and said, FIX MY KID! I didn’t order the sickly, crying model….FIX IT! By this time he had endured his first suppository and had laxatives and was STILL in pain. She said we needed to go back to the ER. This time, I went further down south in the county. I wasn’t going back to CHOC in Orange. Fool me once..you know how it goes. So we went to CHOC at Mission. It was the Ritz Carlton of hospitals compared to the Motel 6 we had been at on Tuesday night. We were in a bed within a half hour! It was amazing! I felt like ER royalty! They even gave me this cool security badge with my picture on it and everything. The doctors were nice and took good care of Dillon. Here he is in his bed watching TV and playing his PSP….

Here he is after a (small) dose of Morphine…

They did more blood and more cat scans and after a pretty lengthy stay they said they were confident it was severe constipation. They said his bowels were very inflamed. They gave us some medicine (which worked almost instantly) and I am happy to report by the next morning he was 97% better!!! I didn't care what the results were. If it really was constipation, that was fine. I just wanted someone competent to tell me what was wrong and fix it! After all, I got 3 new sick days for the year on January 1st and they're ALL gone now. So I needed him fixed so I can get back to work because now I have to go the rest of 2011 without getting sick (wish me luck). But they did..the great doctors there got it right and fixed it and he's all better.

The funniest part of the whole ordeal was....In 2nd grade, Dillon got stung by a bee at school. His hand swelled up really bad and turns out, he's allergic to bees..well the sting anyway. So every time we saw a different doctor or nurse they would ask about his medical history and if he was allergic to anything. I would say no because I knew they meant any medications or anything like that. But every time he would correct me and tell them YES!...I'm allergic to Bees! You know, in the off chance they use bees nowadays to cure stomach aches, he wanted them to know he was allergic to bees!

That's a wrap!

2010-12-30T11:46:00.001-08:00

I'm one for being honest. I tell it like it is. Some hate me for my honesty. But I'm not gonna lie and tell you that you look good just because you're my friend, if you look like this…

I'm gonna tell you to buy an EFFING mirror and get back in the house! Because I care! Plus, it would be like community service! Those mother's will thank me! You know the ones. The ones that take their kids to Hooter's then get mad cause their son's saw boobies.

And NOW I must be honest when I tell you, this year $@*$&@&*%*&#$ SUCKED! I'm ready to kiss this MUTHA good BYE! This decade for that matter, pretty much sucked. I can't say it was completely suck-y because I did get blessed with this..

Awww!....Right!? I know! But along with THAT came a whole lotta BS! All worth it of course, but I could have done without it. But 2010, ya, I'm gonna miss this year like I miss my ex-husband!

So I made some New Year's Resolutions at the beginning of the year. Nothing major. Nothing specific, just to take better care of myself. Just to recap…I did O-kayyyy. I lost 35 lbs. YAY me! Buuuuuut, after my birthday that all went down hill. I'm about 10 lbs. from having gained it all back. As always, my weight is an issue and I'll probably take another crack at it next year.
The doctor….ehhh, I went that one time. They said I had Asthma and early onset Lupus. The Lupus was no surprise but the Asthma was a bit of a shocker. But I haven't been back to the doc. I was supposed to go every 3 months so they could monitor my Lupus. I should do that.

The Dentist part…Ya, well. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm. I went to the dentist. I did. Took Dillon. But never made it for myself. I'll add that back on the list for next year too.

BUT, I've got big plans for 2011. I'm ready to rock this world! I need to get out from under this boulder of a financial disaster I'm under. Then I can stop having to do this….

I kid, I kid. But seriously, it's been H-E-Triple, quadruple, toothpicks!! Like this...HE-LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

I plan on moving mid year-ish when my lease is up. Same area, cheaper rent. I plan on making another big change that I can't quite divulge at this time but I'll keep you posted if it comes to fruition. Just keep your fingers crossed for me. I plan on taking more time off work. I plan on a lot of things, as the mood strikes me. But mostly, I plan on being happier and less stressed. Will it happen?..I don't know. I know this though..I have big hopes, big plans, great friends and wonderful son, for whom I am eternally grateful for, and I look forward to a new year and a new decade full of good health, more money, less debt, more fun, more love and more peace! Ohhh…and lots more blogs! I wish the same for you..HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Trying to Quit

2010-12-17T11:43:00.000-08:00

I don't do it. Well, I do. Sometimes. But not really. I do, do it, sometimes. But always in private. No one can see me. Not because I'm embarrassed though. More so because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. But lately, I can't stop doing it. I feel like it's all I do. I do it in the car. I do it in the bathroom. It's becoming harder to avoid people seeing me do it. I stayed home from work today because I can't stop doing it. And it's better for me just to be at home, alone, so I can do it in private. It's starting to hurt though. It's giving me a headache. It's becoming exhausting. I'm tired.

Before I started doing it I felt like if I did it, it would feel good. Like when you're sick, and you think, If I could just throw up I'll feel better. So you throw up and then you feel amazingly better. That's what I thought. So I started doing it thinking it would make me feel better. But it didn't. And now I feel like I can't stop.

I don't know what to do.

DBD Drama

2010-11-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

I need to put aside my daily thanks giving for a minute. I realize I've missed a few days…well, like a week more like it. Being away from the office and busy with other drama in my life have prevented me from blogging. But make no mistake, I am still grateful.

This time I need to make a personal entry. When I started this blog I did so purely for me. I never did it with the anticipation others would read and I did it as if no one read. It has been like my diary. I write about personal shit and it's no secret I have been through the divorce from hell the last 4 years and wish that experience upon no one. I, we, whatever, had an incident this morning and I'm a little angry about it. The things I feel I cannot say face to face to the parties involved so I must take it out on my blog.

I'm not going to sugar coat anything…Dillon has a DBD (dead beat dad) by my own personal definitions and somewhat to that of the courts. You see, he's a DBD in my eyes because #1, he DOES NOT pay child support. If he had his way, he'd never pay (or owe) a dime for Dillon. #2, he gives a shit less about his son. While I believe he does love Dillon, he could give a shit less. Ask him and he'll tell you otherwise, but he'll tell you otherwise because he knows that's what you want to hear. He'll tell you what he's "supposed" to say. He's very good at that. He sees Dillon when he has to, because he "has" to and because he knows if he doesn't he will owe more child support. So in essence, he sees Dillon to avoid having to owe more child support, not because he wants to. He gets out of it when he can and uses lame excuses to cover up real reasons. Reason #3 he's a DBD, he can't put aside his hatred for me and be a real parent to his child. And when I say "he", I mean him and his dead beat girlfriend…they're a packaged deal. Many, if not all, of his decisions related to how he "parents" and how he deals with Dillon are based on how they will affect me. I swear before he decides anything, he goes down this checklist in his head.

Will this piss Ani off?
Will this hurt Ani?
Will this ruin any plans Ani has?
Will this cost Ani money?
Will this get out of me paying Ani any money?

So on and so forth. And I swear that if he doesn’t have YES answers to at least 3 of the questions, it's a no go for him.

Plain and simple, Dillon doesn’t want to go to his dad's. He hasn't for ohhhhh, about a year now. He is supposed to see his dad every other weekend. This being his weekend. On his last weekend, he pretty much just neglected to come and get Dillon. So at this point Dillon hasn’t seen nor heard of his dad in over a month. That's like 3 months in big people terms. Translation: A LONG FUCKING TIME to a kid. But does his dad care?? You bet your ass he doesn’t! It's all about him. He is by far, the most selfish individual I know. Always has been, always will be. Chalk that up as reason #4 I think he's a DBD. Any parent who argues with their 2 year old child because the child doesn’t want to share their crayons with them at a restaurant has MAJOR issues. When Dillon knows his dad is coming he gets major anxiety the day before. Then when his dad arrives, he beings to cry. And beg. And plead. "Please don’t make me go Mommy". It's a very, very, very, very, very sad state of affairs and had I known it was something my child would have ever had to go through, I would have NEVER had children and it's the reason I will NEVER have another child. I will make sure there is not another child on my watch that has to go through what my son has to go through. Who wants that for their child? Yet, DBD doesn’t make it easy on him. Wants to force him to go. Had the balls to tell me, "throw me his shoes and I'm gonna grab him and stuff him in the car". Are you kidding me? Who does that? I, if it were me, which it's not (THANK GOD!) would take a step back and ask myself, "Why is it that my child doesn’t want to see me" and I would work on fixing those issues. But DBD…noooooooooooo…he instead blames other people. He says I'm "brainwashing" Dillon, "grooming" him and rehearsing with him what to say. Really people?! REALLY!

Here's a picture for you. Pardon me, it's a bad one. Really grainy because it was taken from video I shot this morning. Take a look.

This, this picture, shows my son huddled in the corner of his bed in his best attempt to escape going with his father. He's grown to big to hide under the bed like he used to do when his dad came. Does this look like a child that's being "groomed" or "brainwashed" to you?? If you could really see the pain in his face and hear the fear in his voice when he begs not to go, it would tear out a piece of our heart. If it didn't, than you’re a bigger person than I am! A piece of my heart is ripped out when I see my son like that. EV-ER-Y TIME! Yet the courts tell me sending him with this father is in his best interest. In who's best interest?? THIS!...THIS is in MY son's BEST interest? Says who? I finally put my foot down this morning after 30 minutes of trying to persuade my son to go. Well I sorta put my foot down. I didn’t have a chance to put it all the way down before DBD thought he was gonna show me and called my friends over at Irvine PD. He thought that was the best thing to do. He thought those officers were gonna march into my house and take my son and he was gonna show me who was boss and he thought that was good for his child to be taken out of his house against his will by two police officers. He was WRONG! In fact, it was the exact opposite. They were kind and talked to Dillon and in the end said "if he didn’t want to go, he didn’t have to go". Good GOD! Where the hell were they the last year I've been dealing with this?? DBD thought he was gonna show me but in the end, he really set the wheels in motion for his undoing in my opinion. Dillon knows now that if all he has to do now is say he's not going then DBD will call the police and the nice officers will come hang out with him and then he doesn’t have to go. DBD could potentially never see Dillon again if it was up to Dillon. Do you think he realzies that though? Betcha a million bucks he doesn’t!

Now, you're probably asking yourself the million dollar question…as do I. Why doesn’t he want to go with his dad? Good question! One I don’t have an exact answer to. It's a lot of little reasons making up one big answer. It can all be summed up with this… His dad is a DOUCHE and he is getting to the age where he now realizes it. The answer is much more complex than that though and makes for another blog another day but that pretty much sums it up for now.

In the end, my son got to stay home. Where he is happy. Where he belongs. Where he is anxiety free. Where he is not mentally/physically abused. Where he doesn’t have to deal with one confirmed, unmedicated bipolar douchebag (DBD) and one unconfirmed unemedicated bipolar douchebag (DBD GF). I just now have to deal with the slander and malicious comments and backlash. The whole gammit…I'm a "horrible mother keeping a boy from his father" and I'm "just bitter and immature" and yada, yada, yada. It's all my fault. It always is. Because DBD can never take responsibility for his own actions or own doings.

Now, where we go from here, no one knows at this point. Likely back to court. Who knows..only time will tell I guess. But it is my duty, as a mother, to stand guard and protect my child and THAT I will do!

30 Days of Giving Thanks : Day 5

2010-11-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

It's the end of the day and I almost forgot to say what I was thankful for today. Then it came to me! Today, I am thankful for my two old friends, Saturday and Sunday...AKA THE WEEKEND!!! Even though I have to work the weekends sometimes, I'm always grateful for the weekend. Get to sleep in, don't have to be to school or work. Less obligations and more R&R! I've recently had to consider (actually more than consider) getting a second job. The thought of having to work M-F AND the weekends reminds me how grateful I am for the weekend now.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and ......

Amen

30 Days of Giving Thanks : Day 4

2010-11-04T16:28:00.001-07:00

I don’t really feel like it today. Feel like giving thanks that is. But I must. Today, I am thankful for this…

My home. It's safe. Provides me and my son comfort and a roof over our heads. Granted I pay more in rent than most people's mortgages, I do love it and I'm thankful I have it.

Amen

30 Days of Giving Thanks : Day 3

2010-11-03T16:36:00.000-07:00

For my 3rd day of giving thanks, I chose something near and dear to my heart. Something I will be eternally grateful for. I am grateful for this...

'Nuff Said!

Amen

30 Days of Giving Thanks : Day 1&2

2010-11-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

It's November already! Christmas is only like, 2 paychecks away, which stresses the shit out of me! But let's not think about that right now. It's the season of giving thanks and so in the spirit, I vow to each day give thanks for something (I stole this idea from another blogger..totally not mine). That would be 30 things I'm thankful for. But you see, today is already the 2nd so I'm a day behind. So I'll give two today. I have so much wrong and so much struggle in my life (no lie) but there is so much I am incredibly grateful for aside from all that. Sooo, I vow for the next 29 days I will tell you what I'm thankful for, in all serious-ness!

First up, my car. It's not super nice or anything but I am incredibly grateful for it. Grateful it doesn't look like this…

Grateful it runs (knock on wood) and I don't have to do this..

Joking aside, I am super, duper, UPER grateful for my car. Without it, I would be in serious trouble. How would I get to work? How would I get Dillon to school? How would I pick Dillon up from the club (Boys&Girls CLUB…don't get the wrong idea) at night? All these places are not within walking distance of each other or of my home. Nor would time allow for the bus to all these places. I would be lost without my car and I thank god every morning that it starts.

My second thing (for yesterday) is…

I am grateful for my job. I complain about it sometimes and there are parts of it I don't particularly love but I am grateful that I have a job when so many others don't and I'm grateful that my paycheck does not come from the EDD. There are mornings I don't want to get up and go to work, but in the end, my job provides me with a sense of achievement, great friends (friends that have become my family) and provides me a getaway from my other job (MOM!). I am exponentially grateful for my job and the income it provides.

Amen.

The Patch. The Pumpkin Patch.

2010-10-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

This year will be the first year in, Oooooo, about 4 years that I will have Dillon on Halloween. Prior to this year I didn't have a holiday schedule with DBD and Halloween happened to have fallen on his weekend in prior years. But this year is MY year!! WOOO HOOOO! With holidays like Christmas you can do Christmas at other times. Like "Christmas morning" can really be done on Christmas Eve. But with Halloween, I can't really take him trick or treating the night before. That would be awkward and I don't think my neighbors would particpate. Just a hunch anyway.

So this Halloween must be a big deal! Costume is a done deal and so now I'm figuring out our pumpkin situation. Last year I started the "tradition" of us visiting a pumpkin farm, where you pick your own pumpkins. There's just something about searching for and picking your own pumpkin off the vine that screams Fall and Halloween to me. Plus they have those cool corn mazes and pony rides. Fun stuff I didn't get as a kid and I subconciously strive to provide my child with things I didn't get as a kid (topic for another day). So this year we'll probably go here..

Tanaka Farms. It's close by. You can pick ur own. They got the corn maze. All the fun stuff. But I wanna take him here (too)…

It's the Cube!! I found out the Discovery Science Center has a Pumpkin Factory this year. Maybe they did in the past and I just didn’t know about it. The DSC is a super cool place for any kid of any age and Halloween festivities added to the mix only makes it that much better. The have a pumpkin patch and a petting zoo and pony rides and tons of super cool stuff. As you know, I'm a single mom living in Irvine so that only means one thing…I'm a broke mama…so hoooopefully I can win tickets from this awesome giveway and take my Noosh! Cross your fingers!

This is about Farting

2010-10-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

Ocassionally - like really rarely, like maybe 5 times in my adult life, that kind of rarely - this thing has happened where I'm asleep and I like think I'm dreaming that I'm on the toilet peeing but really I'm not and it's like my brain's way of saying "get to the toilet, Ani". But like my brain is also conflicted. Like I ask my brain (yes, while, I'm sleeping) "am I really on the toilet" and brain answers yes. So in my dream I start peeing. Yes, I'm going where you think I'm going with this. But then I wake up and I wasn’t really dreaming and I REALLY actually just peed. In my bed. But like I said, this has happens RARELY. I don’t need to be labeled a bed wetter or anything. And then it's crazy because then like when I actually am awake I have to like ask myself, "this isn't a dream right", before I actually pee in real life on the real toilet. Weird, I know. But so, here's the thing. Lately the same thing has been happening when I fart. Stay with me. So you know how like when you're at home or in the car or whatever, like when no one is around you just fart right. But then like you wouldn’t do that like at work or whatever. Like you don’t sit at your desk and just let 'em rip right. So lately I have been doing this thing at work, the same thing about the peeing, where like I have to think, am I at work or am I just dreaming I'm at work. Because like my brain just wants to fart but I have to stop it and be like "NOOOOOOO, we're at work right now dummy". I have to tell it that I'm not DREAMING I'm at work, I really am at work. And mind you, this conversation I have with my brain isn't like as long as it sounds. It happens in the blink of an eye. LikeBAMthisfast! So anyway. My point is…I'm worried one day I'm going to forget to tell my brain "NOOOOOOO, we're at work right now dummy" and Fart. At work. At my desk. Out loud. That would be embarassing. Then I would have to explain why my pants look liked this.....

Dillonem in the hizz-ouse!

2010-10-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where I went wrong. My son has developed this horrible sense of style and I'm not sure where it comes from. He was lucky enough to get to go to Legoland this past weekend. I say lucky because I had planned a trip for his birthday this year but he got in MAJOR trouble at school and the trip was cancelled. So, him getting another chance to go is lucky. I gave him $30 to take for lunch and the rest so he could get a souvenir. Who knows, he may never be able to go back again so I wanted him to have something to remember it by. He comes home on Saturday and used his souvenir money to buy sunglasses. I was first pissed because, that's not what I gave him the money for. But that quickly turned to disgust when I saw that the glasses looked like these….

Really?? These aren't the exact glasses but close enough. The ones he got have "diamonds" on the sides. I was horrified. My hard earned dollars went to towards the purchase of these!? First of all, they're GOLD! At least if they had been made of gold Lego's I could see, but no…they screamed Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff to me. And then to make it worse, he thinks they are by far the coolest sun glasses on earth and wears them on the end of his nose and looks over them at you like this…

It's not cool! Which brings me to my point…I seem to have failed at instilling a sense of style in my son. Where did I go wrong?? I have always bought and dressed him so I mean, he knows what cool looks like. But he seems to be straying from the cool side. He is now at the age where he can dress himself. So he picks out what to wear based on what's on hand of what I have bought him. But the things I buy him he no longer things are "cool". And when I do take him shopping and pick out something, it's atrocious! I don’t get it. He like wants to go down this "gangsta" path of gold chains and rings and fedora's and god knows what else. It also doesn’t help when I have family that buys him atrocious things because they think its cool and then tell him it's cool. They pass their uncoolness off on him! Someone recently bought him a fedora. He wears it now EVERY day to school. Everyone says "oooo, he's sooo cute, awww". NO! Stop. It's not cute! He even went so far as to wear it in his pictures on picture day. I paid good money for those pictures and now I have to see that god awful hat in them! I haven't gotten the pics yet but here's a picture I took of him the morning of….

You just said "awwwww" didn't you? NO, it's horrible!! That flannel looking shirt..yep, he picked that out. Wasn't my choice. I'm all Old Navy like this…

And he's all…I don't know what…like this…

I mean if I let him go this route and dress himself (and he were a doll), this is what he'd look like..

You see now why I'm worried? I feel like I'm raising the next Eminem. Dillonem, to be exact.

I don't have any Frommy's

2010-10-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

You know...Frommy's! Friends that are Mommy's. I don't have any Frommy's at Dillon's school. I don’t fit in with other mom's at my school. I don’t know what it is. I feel like I'm super young and they're all super old. Sometimes I wanna go up to one and ask, "how old are you"? Who knows, maybe they're the same age as me but I don’t feel that way. I wasn’t super young when I had Dillon. I was 21 almost 22 but when I'm at school with him, I feel like I was 14 when I had him. Like I'm the teen pregnancy statistic and they all graduated college and were in their mid 30's before they had kids. I don't think it's that I look really young and they LOOK really old. It's weird and hard to explain. I guess it boils down to I feel like I don’t relate or they don’t relate to me. I don’t see another one of me walking around that school. Most of the kids at his school they all live in the neighborhood surrounding the school. With Mommy and Daddy. In houses. In Irvine. We live in the apartments on the outskirts of the community where they all live that surrounds the school. While my rent is probably more than their mortgages, I sometimes feel like we're the poor WT that gets bussed into the school. But that's not the case. It's like, I wanna mommy friend that my son goes to school with. But it doesn’t seem like they wanna be my friend. Maybe they see me as Dillon's mom, "the bitch that yells when they hold up the drop off line to get out of the cars". Kidding, I don't really yell - Outloud. It all boils down to, I just don't fit in. I'm thinking next year of renting within the area that surrounds the school, so were closer to all of them. Maybe then they'll be my friends. Then after we're friends, I can tell them in a "friendly" way, to STAY IN YOUR DAMN CAR WHEN YOU"RE IN THE DROP OFF LANE!!

The End

2010-09-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

After 4 loooong years, my divorce finally ended yesterday. It's been a roller coaster and I am thankful for the way things ended; I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Divorce is an ugly, ugly thing but I have learned so much and I am stronger because of it. It has also left me with scars. I will never marry again and I will never have another child. I realize know you can love someone forever without paper saying you do. I will forever be sorry to my son because no one has suffered more than he. But he will know one day I always acted with his best interests at heart. I will forever pray for my ex husband that he learns the error of his ways and seeks the help he needs to be a better person and father.

Today I woke up with great feeling of peace. I have never felt a greater sense of relief. The monkeys off my back and I can continue moving forward. I realize he will always be in my life because of Dillon, but I have jumped the biggest hurdle and for that, I am grateful.

I won shit!

2010-09-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

I won something...an award...I think!? I stumbled upon a note from Debi that she awarded me an award...a blogger award...and this folks is my 1st!! WOOT! I don't recall exactly how Debi and I came into contact (I think she found me) but I like her blog cause she likes shit too!

There's rules for the award (bear with me, I'm new to this)..more on that here for those of you I award! Pretty much these are the rules:

1. Thanks to the person that gave you the award. A link back to them would also be appropriate.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers that you think are amazing. I think that will be an easy one!

4. Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award. Share the love!

So here's my 7 things about me (I'll understand if you're completely bored by #2):

1. I've been in a blimp before. Totally pulled that out of nowhere. Yep! The Fuji blimp. When I was about..mmmm...maybe 13 years old. Long story but a family friend worked for them and we got to go for a ride. Not super exciting but I guess it's not as common as I would have thought because whenever I do mention it, people are like, REALLY?! So, there ya go..I been in a blimp.

2. Gravy disgusts me! Can't eat it. Really can't stand the sight of it either. I will eat most anything and enjoy eating most anything...but gravy. I know, I know. People are baffled but it just grosses the hell out of me. It looks nasty and that sloshie, gushy sound it makes in your mouth...makes me want to PUKE! I can't stand things that have gravy like appearances/textures either...like creme brulee..flan...just nasty shit man!

3. I don't get a period. WOW! TMI right! I know, but I tell people that and they're so intrigued so I guess it's sorta interesting. Then there like "but why"? (you know because I'm so young to be going through menopause). I just tell 'em I kick Aunt Flow to the curb...bitch wore out her welcome! No, really though, I have an IUD and it basically stopped my periods. Pretty damn sweet if you ask me...I think everyone should get one!

4. I can't stand listening to people eat. Makes me sick and then almost instantly I get irritated. If there's other noises around, no big deal. But like to be locked in a silent room with another person/people while they're eating would be PURE TORCH-UURRR! I've often tried to analyze myself and find out where this hatred comes from and I come up with two things. #1, It's the sound of the saliva moving the food around and the noises the mouth makes, it's just makes me sick. I think because when I hear the noise it automatically makes me envision what's going on inside there and that's what grosses me out. #2 I think it also has a lot to do with my grandpa. When we were growing up he was a big guy and basically ate like a pig if you ask me. But I used to have to sit next to him at the dinner table and would see him eating with his mouth open and spitting food while he talked and just nasty shit and so when I hear people eating it just brings me back there. I guess.

5. I've never broken a body part. Never! Not even a finger. I had stitches quite a bit growing up but never broke anything. I was always jealous of kids who had casts and everyone got to sign them and they got to pick the color they wanted. I kinda still am actually.

6. I eat peanut butter on my pancakes instead of butter. I butter it on then pour on the syrup. No good for the diet but I love it..I was raised that way and someone once told me that was nasty..how can that be nasty?! If you love pancakes and you love peanut butter...why not let them get married??

7. I used to be Mormon. I was raised Mormon but I am not a Mormon, anymore. I don't think there's anything wrong with Mormon's and I do believe in a lot of things they believe in BUT I disagree with a lot MORE things they believe in. I don't practice any religion but I've thought lately that maybe I should, for my son. Catholic maybe? Everyone and their mom is Catholic it seems like. I don't know...a blog for another day.

So there's my 7 things. I realize looking back that alot of my things were food or eating related (that wasn't planned) and that I have a lot of topics to blog about.

Here's my list of 15 bloggers I think are pretty amazing (in no particular order).. check 'em out:

A Love Story - Mommy, Daddy and a Bean

Our Journey Begins, As The Kings....

The Glamorous Life Association

Alive in Wonderland

Sh*t My 5-Year-Old Says!

Tiny Oranges

Angry Julie Monday

Ok, so, just 13. There's more but we'll start with that for now.

Thanks again, Debi! Now I present..my award!..

"If people would keep their damn kids home when they're sick"

2010-09-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

I've heard it a lot. It's when the topic of sick kids in school comes up. Maybe a co-workers kid is sick or something but every time the subject comes up somebody says something along the lines of "if people would keep their damn kids home when they're sick", or, "it's because of those people that send their snotty nose kids to school instead of keeping them home". First of allllll, as if you know which kid germinated yours. And then how do you know that your kid didn't pass the germs around and then get them back as karma..hmmmm? What makes you think that your kid didn't get those germs from the market riding in one of those little cart/cars they have..hmmm? Those things are like Vegas for germs….a-whole-lottttta partyyyyin goin' on! My point is, I hate the germ blame game. And here's why…"those" people that send their kids to school sick….right here…GUILTYYY! That's me, over here!

You see, I don’t have the luxury of staying home. Why? Simple math. Like this…. Sick kid+mommy doesn't work=NO MOOOLLLAH! I can even take it further with some algebra and say NO MOOOLLLAH means no rentAH and no foodAH and no car paymentAH…get it?! Plain and simple, I don’t work, I don’t get paid. And THIS mommy can't afford not to work. If he's breathing, his eyes open and he can talk and appear to be functioning, it's off to school. You know you've done it…loaded your kid up with OTC meds to get them through the day. Ok, I know it wasn’t just me. I don’t have someone to leave my kid home with. I don’t have someone to take him to. It's ALLL ME! Now, don’t get me wrong, obviously I know where to draw the line. I wouldn’t send him to school if he like was really sick like (insert disgusting infection of some sort that kids get here). But I don’t have the liberty of keeping my child home if he has a minor runny nose (of clear nature). His brain still works and he still needs to learn and I still need to work, so offf you go. I guess I'm just asking for a little understanding and compassion from those that are able to stay home with their children. Go easy on "those" people, 'cause "those" people are me.

Am I a single mom?

2010-09-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

Who or what defines a single mom, or single dad or single parent? Is it a mom, who's single- as in not in a relationship? So then do you un-become a single mom when you start dating? Are you a single mom if your children don't see their dad but he pays child support? Are you a single mom if your children do see their dad and he does pay child support? Certainly you’re a single mom if your children don’t see their dad and he doesn’t pay child support, right? Is single mom-hood defined by the amount of monetary support you get from the other parent or by the amount of physical support you get from the other parent, or both? Or is it not defined by support at all? Are you just automatically a single mom once you get divorced/separate? Since my divorce I've always been a self-proclaimed, "single mom". I define myself as a single mom because, well, umm...I am…I guess. My ex-husband has visitation, so he is a part of my son's life, as limited as it may be. But the day to day activities and responsibility of being a parent are mine and mine alone. My ex-husband is supposed to pay child support but the money he is supposed to provide nowhere near compensates for the costs involved of raising a child. Therefore I am singly responsible for picking up the tab or "making it work". Regardless of what obligations my ex-husband has been given by whoever, ultimately, I, as my child's mother, am solely responsible for making sure my child eats, sleeps, breathes and learns on a daily basis. That, in my book, makes me a single mom/parent.

Just for curiosity, I looked up the definition of single mom. According to Wikipedia, a single parent is a parent who cares for one or more children without the physical assistance of the other parent in the home. So according to me and Wikipedia, it's official (as if it wasn't already)…I'm a single mom/parent!

Bent-abulous...the results show!

2010-09-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

Overall my "Bento on a budget" lunch was a hit! His favorite part: The brownie bite (of course)! His least favorite part: The lots of little sandwiches. You see, HEEE thinks that when there's lots of little pieces, I'm trying to give him MORRREE sandwich. I tried explaining to him that it's the same amount of sandwich, just smaller bites. But apparently the quantity was overwhelming. Pretzels weren't a big hit. I think he just was, again, overwhelmed with too much selection. His second favorite part was the grape skewers…"I even saved the toothpicks for you mommy" and can't forget the granola bar either. The carrots were a no go without ranch dippy. I forgot to mention yesterday in my bento post that I wanted to put a little container of ranch in there for him but it wouldn’t fit with the lid on the container. I was afraid he might not eat the carrots without it and I was right. Here's the bento aftermath he brought home for me….

So, changes for day two I made were bigger bites mainly and more fruit. Sandwiches cut bigger, I left the cheese whole, no pretzels and no carrots and today I added apples to the skewers. O, ANDDD, beef jerky…he loves it and it's got protein! He loves apples too, so I'm sure these will be a hit. Here's Day 2, "Bento on a budget" (sorry for the sidways shot)...

Looks Yumm-O huh!

Bent-abulous!

2010-09-14T08:49:00.000-07:00

So, I've been having some issues with Dillon and stomach aches. Last week we went to the doctor and she said it's a combo of his meds and a lack of protein. Lunch is a battle so I can see how this would be true. You see, it's one of the major downfalls of ADHD....the meds....they have this wicked side effect. Not like the commercials with the anal leakage and the loss of hearing and all that crazy stuff, but loss of appetite. His stomach tells his brain it's not hungry, but it's completely on "E". And when I already have a skinny-bones-jones on my hands, this is a problem. I told the one and only Samantha and she said "pack him a bento lunch". A WHUUUT?? I was somewhat familiar with the word "bento" but in my mind I'm thinking, "I can't pack sushi and miso soup in my kids lunch"! She sent me this and I was hooked! It looks so totally cool! The basic idea is to be healthy, provide variety for my sorta, but not really, but ya, picky eater and to be waste free (environment schmi-orment). I wish I had this kind of lunch when I was a kid. On one hand it looked way too time consuming for my hectic mornings but on the other I was envisioning my child at the lunch table with a bad ass lunch all the kids would want! So of course I had to do it! I also think these bento lunch boxes are the coolest! I totally am gonna get one but the price tag is not possible right now. I was a bit bummed out. I had to improvise and so I give you....(drum roll please)....."Bento On A Budget"!

Last night I found these Ziploc containers at my Tar-Jayyyy (the best one of all in my opinion!)....

They have super cool compartments...like a bento box...sorta...right?! I thought I can make this work! I found the cool swizzle sticks too for the fruit but they didn't fit in the container. I WILL get them though when I get that Planet Box! Sooo, I used toothpicks instead. I know, I know, not completely waste free...but I'm getting there. I'm on the right track at least.

Here is my first "Bento On A Budget"......

Not bad huh! I see room for improvement but even I was jealous of Dillon when this was all put together. And of course my perfectionist, type-A, whatever, inside me made me do it like 3 times to get it right and it took me like 45 minutes to pack his lunch, but hey.. Here's the breakdown of this Bent-abulous lunch! In the upper left corner we have a little brownie bite (because my son requires a small amount of sugar with every meal), then to the right a granola bar and then mini pretzels. Below the brownie bite is diced string cheese (my son doesn't string it...crazy, I KNOW!). The rest is cheddar, bologna and mustard (sick, I KNOW!) sandwich bites. Then to the upper right we have baby carrots and below we have little grape skewers (on the toothpicks, member). Here is it all packed up with the lid....

Now the part that gets me all crazy inside is that I know when he gets to eat it, all those pretzels aren't gonna be hangin' out in their respective spots. They'll be slidin' around in there. But once I get the Planet Box, that won't happen.

I was even more excited when it fit right down, super-snug-like-a-bug-in-a-rug in his lunch box....AWEEEE-SOMMMME!!

I know there's no such thing but I totally get the "COOL MOM OF THE DAY" award today! According to me anyway...we'll see what my biggest critic has to say about it after school today....stay tuned!

I don't know what that's like

2010-09-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it's like to have a sister. I don’t know what it's like to have a mother. I don’t know what it's like to have a father.

I'm often in awe of sisters and their relationships because it's just something so foreign to me. I never had a sister. I wonder what that would be like. To have someone to call anytime of the day or night. To have someone who was not only your best friend but also your family at the same time. That would be like a double whammy! I realize there are some sisters that don’t have that relationship but the general idea intrigues me.

I'm also in awe of the whole mother/father relationship. What that would be like?...the possibilities are endless! I didn’t have a mother. My mother left me/abandoned me/gave me up, however you want to look at it, at a very young age. Both my brother and I. My father, we saw occasionally growing up and less often as we got older. Now, not at all. But he wasn’t really a dad and we never had a dad/daughter relationship. We were raised by grandparents. Which is a whole nother topic. But my grandma and grandpa were not like a mother and father. They actually weren't even like a grandma and grandpa either after that. Hard to explain…I'll make an attempt another time.

But those relationships/bonds are things I do wish I had. You can have "similar" people in your life to fill those voids and I do. I have wonderful friends that I'm very close with that serve as my "family", but it's not always the same as the real thing. But then again, I've never had the real thing…so how do I know it's not the same thing?!

Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!

2010-09-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

Not just a Janis Joplin song...it's what happens to me every other Friday. A piece of my heart is ripped out. I have that sick, swarm of butterflies feeling in my stomach. I shake. Why? Because I have to do something that goes against my better judgement. I have to do something that kills me to my core. I have to send my son, AGAINST HIS WILL, to spend the weekend with his father. My baby, that I gave birth to, carried for 9 months, vowed to protect, would kill for...I HAVE to send him to the lion's den every other week. I have to listen to him scream, wail, cry, beg, plead not to go. But I have to. I have to send him. He has to go. Why? Because a judge, who doesn't know my son, who doesn't know my ex husband, who doesn't know me, decided that was in MY son's best interest. I only blame the judge partially though. I lay the majority of the blame at my ex husband's feet. He disgusts me. To have the audacity to want to force your child in a car when he tells you he doesn't want to go with you and pleads to stay is something completely beyond my realm of understanding. I could go on and on about what I think of you. But this post isn't about you. To know that my child is away from me where I cannot protect him from whatever harm comes upon him and cannot trust the adults in which his care is placed, makes me literally dry heave. Makes me cry. But what can I do? The judge says, the JUDGE SAYS, this is the best interest of my child. Suddenly I, his mother, no longer have a say in what's best for my child. A stranger does. The courts do. I'm beyond angry.

Guilty Shit

2010-07-23T10:48:00.000-07:00

You call me and I don't answer. I see your number and I just cringe. I don't hate you. I miss you terribly, but I don't want to talk to you. It pains me to talk to you. I try not to think about you every day. Because when I do it makes me sad. Sad that you can't be here with me. Sad that I know you're calling because you miss me. Sad that I know you think about me all the time. I feel sad because I know you are sad and even though it's not all my fault, I feel guilty. I feel this intense guilt. Guilt that after all those years and everything you've done for me, I can't take care of you. Just immense guilt. I want you to be here, I do. But you can't. I can't live with you. I have enough problems. I feel guilt that I would rather have you there than here. Guilt that I know your soooo unhappy but me being happy is worth more to me that you being unhappy. I think about what you're doing and I picture you sitting in your house. All alone. And it makes me sad. You want to call and tell me things I don't want to hear. I listen to pacify you but I get tired of it. But I shouldn't, I know. Then I feel even more guilty. You want to talk about money. I don't. You want money. I don’t have money to give you. Then you make me feel even more guilt. Then I get upset, and then you get upset. I ask myself all the time when will I call you. I don't know. I really don't know. I feel like time keeps going and going and going by and eventually so much time will have gone by and I will just get a phone call that you died. That's not what I want. But sometimes I feel like myself is waiting for that to happen. Then I will feel even more guilty. Part of me feels like I'm trying to wipe you out of my brain by not thinking about you to prepare myself for when you are gone. I can't think about you or I feel like shit. So I just try not to think about you. But then I see something that reminds me of you. Or I just think about you. And then I feel like a piece of shit. I thought about you today and now, I feel like shit.

A New Look

2010-07-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

I gotta bright, new look...whadaya think?? I needed a change and thought I'd go with something a little cleaner than my dirty blog title. I kinda like it..

Atta Girl!

2010-07-06T14:23:00.000-07:00

I've heard when your children get older they then tell you what a great job you did as a mother. They tell you that they are who they are now because of how well you raised them. I wish for that day to come and I'm pretty sure it will. But I've got a long way til that day. Until then, I think the greatest compliment you can receive as a mother is one that comes from a fellow mother. It's a tough job we have and when you're caught up in the day to day and someone stops you in your tracks and tells you you're doing an awesome job it just warms the heart. That was cheesy, I know. I get compliments and the atta girls pretty often from my friends, but it's those unexpected ones that you never forget. I got one of those mid track stopping compliments today. From theeee one and only Ashley King at Our Journey Begins, As The Kings.... Although her comments are public record, I won't say what she said. But it was kind and nice and caught me off guard and I will never forget it. She too is an awesome mom and any mom that takes time outta their day to slap another mom on the tush in this game of child rearing like it's bottom of the 9th and bases are loaded, is OK in my book. She's also a fan-tab-ulous blogger I might add!

3 Down

2010-06-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's been 3 years. Three years on Sunday. I didn't forget the date. I think about the day all the time. The day I got the call. I was at work. "Something's happened to Andy". My mind instantly thought you were in the hospital. Subconsciously I grabbed my keys and purse to head out there. I was the only one. Everyone else was gone. I was the one that was supposed to take care of that stuff. To take care of you when no one else was around. I'll tell my boss I have to go, my brother's in the hospital. I thought you had been in a car accident or something. All these thoughts went through my head in less than a second. Before the second was up, the voice said "he's dead".

The words didn't compute. I still said "I'm leaving right now", still planning to go to the hospital. There was no hospital. No one said the word hospital. Why would I think you were in the hospital? Because the thought that you were dead was too unimaginable. "What?...What do you mean?", I said. Then the words started coming in clearer. It wasn't making sense, but I was computing what was being said. But still, in my head, I was thinking "she doesn't know, she isn't there. If I get there quick, he'll be OK". I rushed out but before I hit the elevator, the words starting repeating in my head over and over and over and over and I lost it. I don’t remember much. I remember shaking. Feeling sick. I couldn't walk. My legs were like jello. I dropped to the floor.

The Sherriff called me. "I'm on my way", I said. Still, even still, thinking I could save you if I hurried. What was I rushing for? I was 35 miles away. Because it didn't compute still. I got there. They wouldn't let me in the house. I had to stand out front. Everyone watching me. This wasn't happening. I kept asking them if they were sure. Sure it was you. I wasn't sure so how could they be sure? This had to be a dream. I stood in the front yard. The front yard we played in. The front yard we hunted for Easter eggs in. The front yard we dug for worms in. I stood there. It was soooo quiet. All I could hear was the flashbulb from the coroner's camera snapping away and the radio on the hip of the officer guarding the door. I should have went in the back door. Like I always do. I should have. Then I could have made it in and seen you. Not seeing you haunts me to this day. The neighbors came over. Telling what they saw. What they thought happened. Saying they were sorry. This wasn't my life. It couldn't have been. Then it happened. The stretcher came out. There was body covered in a sheet. I stood by the side as it rolled by. The silence was deafening. There were so many eyes on me and on you but it was so quiet I felt like I was the only one standing there. The body was long. Like you. And thin. Like you. The sheet didn’t cover the bottom of the feet. The feet were big. Like yours. The toes were long. Like yours. They lifted the stretcher into the van. Shut the double doors and the van drove off. It was then that it all became clear. It was then that I was sure. Sure it was you. Sure you were dead.

What the fuck do I do now? They gave me some paper. I was balling. My tears hit the paper as my head was bowed trying to read it but my vision was blurry for the puddles of water filling my eyes. The paper was for Hazmat clean up. What? "You have to have cleaners come in and clean up the fluids". Fluids? There's fluids? This was quickly becoming too much for me to handle. I didn't want it to be my job anymore. Someone else take over. But there wasn't anyone else. It was me. It was my job. My job to take care of you. I only wish I had done a better job, maybe you might still be here. Maybe not. Who knows.

You would be 27 now. I think about it a lot. What if you were still here? Would we be friends? Like we weren't before. You were starting a new life. Starting to get back on track. Going to school. Dating a nice girl. Working. Growing up. Maturing. Would you have a kid now? Would I be an aunt? Would we be hanging out? Would our kids play together. Dillon liked you. When he saw you. I was cautious with him around you. Rightfully so. I never have told him. Told him what happened to you. I will one day. When he's older. I wonder if you were here, would I call you everyday to see what you were doing? I do miss you. I miss not having to stutter when people ask me if I have any brothers or sisters. I miss not having you to complain about. We weren't that close. Not in the end. Growing up we were. It was just you and I. You and I against the world. Against them. You were the only one who understood. Understood what I went through. Understood my pain. My frustrations. I remember you had a big TV in your room. We used to eat dinner in your room and watch Seinfeld. To get away. To get away from them. We were like roommates. Then I would go to my room. I don't have anyone now. Anyone that I share blood with. Anyone who understands what I went through. All I have now is a headstone with your picture on it. When I think about you now, I forget the wrong you did and remember you for being my little brother.

Dear Asshole,

2010-06-18T10:54:00.001-07:00

You need to stop. You're being ridiculous. First of all, you tell me your working but yet you email me throughout the day. Or is that because it isn't you emailing me, it's her? I'll never get the truth.

You seem to want to blame other people for your problems and the situation your life is in but you have no one to blame but yourself. You have created your problems for yourself. No one is to blame but you. Stop blaming me. You don’t pay child support to me. That money is to support your son. Get that in your head. That’s what parents do. I realize you've never been a parent (either of you) so it may be hard to understand that it costs money to raise a child. You have to buy them food. You have to buy them clothes. They like toys. They like to go places. They get sick. They need medicine. They need things for school. They need childcare. All this costs money. Your idea that you shouldn't have to pay for any of that is ludicrous. It's what you do. I also gave you plenty of time to pay child support on your own before I filed. You refused. Remember you specifically told me you would never pay me a dime? Well it doesn’t work that way. I gave you a chance. I always have and always will give you a chance. It's when you blow that chance and show me how irresponsible and unreliable you are that you leave me no choice but to get lawyers and judges to tell you. But I am not to blame for that, only you are. If there's drama in your life, it has nothing to do with me. If your struggling because you pay child support, it has nothing to do with me. You created all of that. Take responsibility. When you wanted to kill yourself, you blamed me. When you did drugs, you blamed your parents. When you can't pick your son up from school, you blame me. You're drinking again. I supposed that's my fault too? Take responsibility.

I don’t bother you. You want people to think I bother you. Why? I don't know. Maybe you feel it makes you look better as a father or as a person? I don’t know why. But I don’t bother you. I wish I could bother you. I wish I could bother you into caring. If only that was all it took. Every day when I wake up, I wish my son had a father who cared. Who cared how his day was every day. Who cared about his problems. Who stopped to see the damage he was doing to him. Who cared enough to do right by him. I wish he had a father who spent even a 1/10 of the time talking to him that he did emailing his teacher to make her think he's a caring father. I wish he had a father who put as much energy into being a good father as he does into making people think he is a good father. I wish he a father who walked the walk and not just talked the talk. That's what I wish for. You email his teacher to find out he's doing but you don’t even call him to see how he's doing. Why? Instead you force him to memorize your number and tell him he must call you. He should be worried about remembering his glasses every day, not if he's called you. You've never been a parent before, I get that. You don’t know how to do it. I never have either. But you know what the difference between us is, I try. I do my best. I put aside any selfishness I have, for him. I live my life for him. I don’t let anyone else get in the way of that. I think I also have a leg up on you. Ya, you wanna know why? You were never a victim of divorce. I know what he goes through. I know how he feels. You don’t. You've never had to experience that. I not only was a victim of divorce, I wasn’t even raised by mother. I can only thank god that he is. But you, you don’t get it. You don’t get what you're doing to him. Partially because you've never been through it so you can't possible understand. The other part is because of you and who you are.

I've told you this and you may not listen now but one day you will see my warning for what it is. One day he will be old enough to decide. He can't right now. But one day he will be old enough to decide. One day he will be able to say he doesn’t want to see you anymore. And one day they will listen and one day it will stop. One day you will not be able to force him. You will have no control. I am sure you will still blame me. But you will have no one to blame but yourself. I will remind you then of why he decided. He decided because of the times you demanded he have respect for someone who was worthless to him and has no respect for him. Respect is earned, not given. Children are an excellent judges of character. He decided because of all the times you didn’t call. Because of all the times he hoped you would come to his awards assembly and you didn't. Because of the times you told HIM to call YOU and then didn't answer. Of all the times he hoped you would come to his open house. To see his classroom. To see all the great things he did. Because you bad mouthed his mommy. Because you degraded him and his feelings. Because you got rid of his bed and made him sleep on the couch because she needed a computer room. Because you told him he was a wussy boy. Because you refused to put aside you life and your feelings and be a real dad. Because you chose a woman over him. Because you were always concerned with showing him who was boss. Because you were selfish. Because you didn’t care. Because it wasn’t you who showed him to ride a bike. Because it wasn’t you who taught him how to swim. Because he has other more constant father figures in his life who really do care about him. The list continues to grow and will continue to grow for the next 10+ years. He will decide because he can and because he will recognize and see you for what you really are. Because he will realize it was all an act. You have a chance to fix that. But you won't. Because you've had a lot of chances and you haven't. It will continue and you will blame me. Because it's what you do.

The notion that you feel I need to be grateful for your girlfriend is absurd. The fact that you feel I owe her anything is absurd. I owe her nothing. She is nothing to me. She may be more to you but she is nothing to me. They say that birds of a feather flock together. In my opinion you both have mental illnesses that draw you together and you feed off of each other. She has the same irrational thoughts you do. But I owe her nothing. She does nothing for me. Anything she does is because she is helping you. Not me, you. I owe her nothing. I have no reason to appreciate her. She does nothing but cause my son grief and heartache. You refuse to acknowledge the detriment your relationship with her is causing him. You speak to her everyday but don’t speak to your son every day. She has never attempted to earn my respect, only my disrespect. She doesn’t know me. She knows only what you have told her. She doesn’t love my son. She has to like him because he is yours but she doesn’t love my son. And for that, she will always be filth in my eyes. Trash. Gutter trash.

I "left" you because of your issues I had no control over. Whether they were real or not, I don't know. Whether you did it all for attention, I don't know. I will never know. I think it was a little of both. But I left you because I could no longer put up with it. I could no longer deal with it myself, let alone have my son subjected to you and all that you came with. You are still the same, if not worse. I no longer have to deal with it, I was able to say enough is enough. But he, he still has to see you. He still has to deal with it. He still is subjected to your madness. He still is a victim. The part that will forever eat away at my heart, tear at my soul, is that I am not there to protect him. Protect him from you. The failure that I feel is beyond words. But I don't blame you. I take responsibility for that. I can protect him when he's with me. I can protect when he comes back. But while he's with you, I can only pray. Pray for god to protect him.

Speaking of the NBA...

2010-06-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

I have this horrible dirty habit that I am not proud of. It's an addiction really. Socially it's referred to as nail biting. All though, I don't quite bite. Biting sounds so much more docile than what I do to myself. I like to refer to it more as self mutilation. That more fits the profile really. I chew and tear and bite until my fingers bleed. I don’t do it with the intention of making them bleed though, that just happens to be the only thing that will make me stop. It's gross, I know! I've done it since I was knee high to a grasshopper and can honestly say I will probably do it until the day I die. Hopefully I don't die from it though. That would really suck. My grandma used to try and get me to stop and she would tell me, "No one's gonna want a put a ring on those ugly fingers if you keep biting them". Well, that so far has turned out to be somewhat true, but not because of the looks of my fingers. They actually do look really bad. My nail beds are almost completely gone. My skin is all torn up surrounding the nails. On a couple of my fingers I have but a miniscule of nail exposed because the second I can see nail that's ripe for the biting, I attack it with a vengeance. Why? Why do I do it? My fingers really are ugly. In fact, next to my toes they are the ugliest parts of my body, in my opinion. I don’t know why I do it. I know what triggers it. Nervousness, boredom, anxiety, etc. I am almost always biting my nails. At work, driving, at home, always. I have this thing where it actually bugs me to see grown out nail. Not on other people, just my own. I feel like I have to get rid of it and PRONTO! Also, they have to be flush with my skin. If I can feel a nail or a hang nail or anything that's not flush or if the edge is uneven, I have to get rid of it. Sick and weird, I'm sure. My son even bites his nails. He EVEN bites his toe nails, which is UBBER nasty! But I can't get mad. He was born with me with my fingers in my mouth. What can I say? I think it might even be hereditary. Possibly?! All I know is, I may need some kind of 12 step program I think. Nail Biters Anonymous? No, that would be NBA. Then people would look at me crazy, like, "what?!...you play B-Ball?!" when clearly I don't. How about self mutilators anonymous. SMA. Hmmm…doesn't really roll of the tongue. Plus, aren't self mutilators like cutters? I don’t get all crazy like that. It's not like I'm gnawing at my wrist near the main vein or anything. It's just my nails, jeez! I GOT IT! Let's just sum up the reasons I bite my nails and say it's all stress related…from being a mom (hmmm..?)….so it could be SOMA (Stressed Out Mom's Anonymous). But wait, then like half the nation could join and then it wouldn’t be so anonymous. I give up, this is stressing me out….gotta go bite my nails…

My actual bleeding finger...sick!

Glass Houses

2010-06-07T14:13:00.001-07:00

The saying goes - Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Or then there's the biblical version - Judge not lest ye be judged…or something like that. I can't remember anything in my life that I have ever been judged for as much as I have been judged as a mother. The judging started before Dillon was even born. I was told I should give him up for adoption because I couldn’t be a good mother to him. I was told it was a bad idea for me to have him because I wouldn’t be able to support him. The judging has never stopped and continues to this day. I don't discipline right. I don’t say things right. The list goes on.. I never entered into a contest..so why am I being judged? I was never trying to win the "Best Mom Competition". I think someone slipped an entry form in the box with my name on it on purpose to set me up.

Yet, the judges live in the most fragilist (not a word, I know) glass houses of all. They range from those who are not mother's, or parent's for that matter, to those who have been mother's and failed, in my opinion. I use my grandmother as an example, only because she has been numero uno judge-o. This is a woman who had 4 children. 4 times she was a mother. She had 4 chances to get it right. All 4 children were drug abusers at some point, or still are. 3 out of the 4 lost custody of their own children for various reasons. All 4 suffer from one form of mental disease or another. 3 out of the 4 all had at least one marriage end in divorce. The kicker is…she has no relationship with any of the 4 today. Yet, she is quick to tell me what I am not capable of as a mother. What I am doing wrong as mother. What I should be doing as a mother. Sometimes words aren't even necessary. The look says it all. Hold on…YOU wanna give ME advice? Tell ME what I'M doing wrong? You didn’t exactly get it right yourself so SHUT IT! That goes the same for those who have never been mother's. O you don't have kids? O soo, you don’t know what's it like? SHUT IT!

It doesn’t matter what I do anyway. No matter what, it will always be my fault. There's no one else to blame. I guess that's a risk you take being a single mom. If he lands in jail for stealing..I didn't discipline him enough. If he becomes a drug abuser…I didn’t teach him good enough about drugs. If he doesn't graduate…I didn't make school a priority. They will continue to judge me until the day I die. I'm fully prepared for that. But, whatever happened to being judged by a jury of your peers? If I'm gonna be judged can it at least be fair?? I need a jury with other mother's on it. I need a jury with "current" mother's. Or mother's who have raised successful, upstanding citizens. At least then if I don’t win the "prize", I'll know it's because I really am not a good mother. But until jury selection begins, all the nay sayers can stock up on their Windex cause that glass house needs cleaning.

How old AM I?

2010-03-31T21:41:00.000-07:00

In less than 6 months, I will turn 30 years old. I seem to always forget how old I am when people ask me. I don’t know why…I just do. I seem to be stuck in my early 20's. It's weird, when someone asks me, I have to literally stop and ask myself "how old AM I?" Or I'll turn and ask the person next to me as if they have any clue at all. But for an equally strange reason, I have no problem remembering that I'm about to turn 30, therefore I must be 29. Which tells me I will have no problem remembering how old I am when I'm 30. Maybe because it's a nice round number?...I don’t know. It has hit me lately though that I will be 30. My 20's are ending. For so long I have been "the baby". It's funny, actually slightly irritating, that when you are around older people or someone older asks you how old you are and you tell them, you always get "Oh, your still a baby". REALLY?! Cause last I checked I've been potty trained for quite some time. Like how old do I have to be to not be a BABY anymore to them? Come on people!

I think about the last 10 years and all that I have been through and all that has happened. I think about not being 20 anymore and all that happened in my 20's. I feel like I wasn’t born until I turned 20. Life before my 20th birthday was so very much different. Parts I don’t remember. After my 20's I feel like I started living a whole nother life. Like I became someone else. In my 20's I:

experienced death for the first time, a couple of times and, on a very personal level
got married
got divorced
became a mother
became an adult
experienced debt
made new friends
lost friends
had only one constant friend all 10 years (Mantha Campbell, aka Samantha Fahrney)
experienced true love
never spoke to my mother
felt hatred
got a steady job
moved counties
owned 3 cars

I think back on the last 10 years and who I am today and think I will become in the next 10 years. The things that have happened in the last 10 years and even beyond that have made me who I am today, good or bad. But turning 30 brings on a bit of depression. The older I get, the more I think about death. I think death is about to take the top seed on my "top 10 things I'm afraid of" passing up heights and bugs/snakes. The more birthdays you have, the closer you get to the coffin. This I know…from getting older. I'm certainly not living a bump free life, but who is, but it ain't too shabby in the grand scheme of things. How will the next 10 be? Who knows….talk to me when I'm 40.

Death and Taxes

2010-03-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

As I get older I very much think of death more often than I ever did before. And when you become a mother or a parent for that matter, you think of all the horrible things in life that there are to experience and you hope your child never has to experience them. One of them being death. I always wondered how I would explain death to Dillon. It's not really something you can practice for. It's not as if I can say to him "OK so when Mommy dies you may feel sad but…". It just doesn’t work that way. Mainly because death is unexpected for the most part and yet so certain at the same time. I always think of that old saying "….certain, like death and taxes". I didn’t experience death until I was late in my teens. But Dillon, having older grandparents and an even older great grandmother, I know, as sad as it may be, I will one day within his young life have to explain and deal with death with him and he will experience death. We got a crash course in death this morning though. Dillon's lizard, Tripod, died today. He was DEVESTATED!! I knew he'd be upset but it was like a scene from a movie. We of course buried him in a nice little spot and Dillon covered him with dirt and sat on his knees with his head in his hands at wept at the grave. Then wanted to go outside and say goodnight to Tripod before he went to bed. The whole thing was very upsetting for me as a mother to watch him hurting like that all the while thinking….it's an EFFING lizard! But it also made me think, if this is how it is when he loses his lizard, boy am in for an emotional roller coaster when a person he loves dies. I don’t think I am nor will I ever be prepared for that.

R.I.P. Tripod

A Shot and A Blow Job

2010-03-19T15:52:00.001-07:00

When you become a mother, your health takes back seat to your child's. At least mine has anyway. I have not been to the doctor since I had Dillon. Well, maybe once or twice but only if I was super sick, which rarely happens. But definitely not for a physical. My New Year's Resolution was to take better care of myself this year. I need to make myself a priority. When it comes to my son, I'll stop the world….I'll melt with you…O wait, just kidding…I'm not singing. EH EM, as I was saying. I drop what I'm doing and stop life to take care of my son but I don't do the same for myself. I always seem to find the time to take off of work if he needs something but always happen to be too busy to do the same for myself. I need to take as good, if not better, care of myself or I may not be around to take care of him. And that would be disastrous because then he would be left to be cared for by…well, nevermind. Let's not get into that.

Sooo, New Year's Resolution was to take better care of myself. Working on my weight, getting to the Dentist, getting to the Doctor (both doctors). I have been effectively working on my weight and doing good at it (22 pounds so far). And a couple weeks ago made an appointment for a physical and the OTHER doctor. Dentist I'm still working on. Dentist I dread a bit more. Hate Dentists and it always ends up costing an arm and a leg when you go there. Thought that was the point of having insurance. Anyway, so went for my physical today. I ended up having to get a shot! Tetanus. Apparently you need one every 10 years. Youch! My arm is getting sore-er and sore-er by the minute. But I got a sweet Joe Cool sticker to show for it, check it out!! I also had to pee in a cup and have a bunch of blood drawn. The ticker appears to be tickin' good though! Now, the shocker was that I have ASTHMA! WHUUUUUUUUTT? I have never had problems breathing. But I had to put this big tube in my mouth that had a sign on the end that said BLOW ME (No Joke!) and blow as hard as I could. Mannnn, a shot AND I had to give a blow job…no wonder I've been putting this doctor business off for so long. Anyway, apparently it measures how much air your lungs take in. I failed. I also expressed to the doctor that when I exercise I get a pain in my chest and a little weezy. So she prescribed an inhaler and wants to see me back in 8 weeks. But if I go back and she wants me to give another blow job, we're gonna have to work out some type of payment cause I don’t do nothin' for free!

Can You See Me Now?

2010-03-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

When you're pregnant you think and talk about what you imagine your child will like. Will he have my toes? My hair? Stuff like that. You also talk about your bad parts and hope your child doesn’t get those. When I was pregnant with Dillon, his dad and I hoped he would have my eyesight and not his dad's. Doesn't look like that happened. Dillon has for quite some time now complained about things being blurry and not being able to see far away. I finally took him into the eye doctor and sure enough he is a bit nearsighted. He was eager beaver about getting glasses and last night we picked them up. You would have thought he was blind before. He couldn’t stop looking around at everything. Hopefully (I remain optimistic despite all odds) he will take care of them and not loose or break them (fingers triple, quadrouple crossed), because insurance doesn’t cover the next pair.

Too Old to Fight Anymore

2010-03-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

Why? I ask myself why all the time. Daily. Many times, daily. Why do you do that? Why did you say that? Why did you think it was OK to tell him that? Why can't you see what you do and what you say hurts him? Why can't you let me be? Why can't you let things go? Why do you feel what you do is OK? All I want is answers. But truthful answers. Not what you think I want to hear. Not lies to make yourself look good or to justify your actions. Real answers. The truth. I don't think I'll ever get answers though. A lot of time has passed. But still you do and say things as if it was brand new. As if it happened yesterday. It bothers me even more to think of things you do and say that I DON'T know about. I can only imagine. And I don't think I imagine unrealistically or exxagerate. I think it is worse than I know.

I try and give you a chance. But so many times I have given you a chance and you have let me down or lied. I can't trust you. I try and block things out though even still. I block out the things you say about me. I block out the lies you've told. I block out the hurt you've caused. I think maybe the day will come when we can talk. When we can sit together. When I can call you. When we can attend functions together. Be friends. Maybe it will come. Maybe when you're 60. Maybe when you're 70. Maybe when you're too old to fight anymore. I had hoped the day would come already. It hasn't. It may never come. I haven't completely given up hope.

But then, my blockers come down and I remember all the many, many things. It's then that I think, one day you'll get yours. One day it will happen. Justice. One day he will know the truth about you. One day he will see you for who you are and what you're about. One day. That day WILL come. I have never believed in anything as much as I believe in that. And I don't doubt that I will be hurt 100 more times before then. Or drug through the mud 100 more times before then. Or you will lie 100 more times before then. But the time will come. When he will know all that I have done for him. All that I didn't say and do. All the times I bit my tounge. All the times I lied to protect his image of you. He will know, one day, he will know. Maybe when you're 60. Maybe when you're 70. Maybe when you're too old to fight anymore.

6

2010-03-18T09:29:00.001-07:00

6
6 months
6 months since I have blogged. 6 months since I have vented. 6 months since I have talked to you. 6 months since I have made you laugh. 6 months since I have written in my diary.

I'm back though. Back in action. I promise dear blog, I won't leave you again for that long.

It's not that I haven't thought about you though. I think about you all the time. So much has happened in 6 months and so many times I thought about telling you. So many times I needed someone to talk to but so many times I just got busy. I'm sorry. I still love you. You're my ears, my diary, my blog and I promise to be faithful. And I'll try and catch you up on the last 6 months…. XOXOXO

R.I.P. Dear Friend

2009-09-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

I lost a dear friend today. My loyal, faithful companion met his fate today. He stood by me daily and made sure I was able to function each morning. "He" was my darling Starbucks coffee cup. My heart is shattered, just as he was shattered all over the floor. I will never forget the good times we had. The never ending joy and sanity you brought me. There will never be another like you. I love you and will miss you dearly friend. R.I.P.

#5

2009-09-18T13:24:00.001-07:00

Dillon lost tooth #5 yesterday. To hear him tell the story makes your stomach churn. He basically ripped it out. He uses sound effects and all when he says it. I picked him up yesterday and he had blood all over his shirt. Uhhh, gross! The tooth was loose but could have hung in there a bit longer had it not had help getting out.

Then, the tooth fairy almost got busted this morning. Good thing she's smooth and was able to pull it off even while he was awake! This picture of his teeth took me back to this next picture......

This is, BY FAR, my most favorite picture of Dillon. This was taken by the photographer at Sam's baby shower and I have it on my desk to this day. He was 4 at the time and still my little baby. I love his deep, dark eyes and his little baby bulging tummy and his mouth. He still has that little baby mouth and those little baby teeth. He is so adorable! I just want to scoop him up and give him little baby kisses...muuuahhhh, muuuahhhh, muuuahhhh, muuuahhhh!

Is that what I think it is?

2009-09-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

The picture is a little hard to see but this is, in fact, a bum I have seen roaming around Irvine. I saw him last night but he was standing near a bus stop. I assumed he was just waiting for the bus. Then I saw him again in a different location this morning. He is of dark skin color and wears dirty, army green clothing from head to toe. He is frightening looking to say the least. Why has the Irvine PD not done something about this? If you look to the right of the picture, there's a street sign that reads Anacapa Apartments. Those are MY apartments. He was lurking near my apartments. If I see him again I may be tempted to call Irvine PD and be like WTF?!?! I live in Irvine for many reasons, one of them being, so I don't have to worry about things like this.

Hey Cover, it's me, Book. Don't Judge Me.

2009-09-16T12:38:00.000-07:00

Today there was an article on CNN about Facebook reaching some astronomical amount of users. I'm a FB user and have reaped rewards from it. I've found a lot of people I used to go to school with. Many times I have wondered what ever happened to so and so and with FB you are pretty much able to find out. I continued to live in the city I went to high school in for about 10 years after graduating and always found it odd I never ran into anyone from high school at like Target or the market. Even funnier now, is that I find out (from FB) that many, pretty much most, of them still live in the same city. That's a whole nother topic though for another day.

I have, for lack of a better term, become friends with a girl I went to high school with. I will leave her name out to respect her privacy and call her Lucy. Lucy and I were not great friends in high school. We weren't not friends, but we just didn't run in the same circles. I didn't have a lot of friends in high school and was surely not popular in high school. Lucy and I had classes together though. Lucy was pretty. Like model pretty. The boys all loved Lucy. And Lucy had a nice home. And Lucy had sisters. And I was envious of Lucy. Lucy was everything I wasn't and Lucy had everything I wished I had. Lucy was the kind of person that you felt lucky that she was even talking to you. At least I did anyway. I also remember other girls being mean to Lucy and saying mean things about Lucy. Presumably out of jealousy. These are my memories of Lucy. I could say more about Lucy to give better perspective but that may give away her identity.

Turns out, things aren't always as they seem on the outside. It's also fascinating to see how people you went to high school with as kids (let's admit it, we were kids) turn out. I didn't know Lucy real well and truth be told, she was struggling with demons like many people do, even in high school. Lucy and I have "talked" on FB a lot lately and she's not the person I thought she was (at least back then anyway). Not in a negative way though. Her world wasn't the same as I thought it was, is more like it. It appears now though that she has found some order in her life and things are going well for her. But there I go again...judging a book by it's cover. I have no choice now but to get to know Lucy so I don't make that same mistake twice.

Lucy and I thus far have a lot in common. If you know me you know that I believe everything, negative or not, happens for a reason. I feel like Lucy and I have come into contact for a reason. I am hesitant to meet Lucy outside of FB because of my own issues and insecurities but I feel like Lucy and I can be real friends given the opportunity. She has already brought something to my table I will always be grateful for.

You already asked me that

2009-09-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

I know every mother at some time or another, maybe even daily, asks themselves "am I a good mother?" I sometimes ask myself every minute on some days. This school year, now in it's second week, really hasn't gotten off to a great start by way of us (Dillon and I) having our shit together. I had really good intentions in the back of my mind of regrouping before school started and getting organized so we could run efficiently in the morning and when we got home (chores, homework, playtime, dinner, shower, read, bed). The motivation was there with Dillon being on his "smart pill" but it just didn't pan out. The week and days before school started were a bit chaotic and Dillon wasn't even home much so that may have had a lot to do with it. But the last two days we have had pretty close calls with him being late to school in the morning. And everyday it has happened I think to myself, that would really not be good if he got a tardy slip already. Last year we didn't really have this problem. This year, honestly, while I know it's a bad thing for him to be tardy, there is this super teeny tiny part of me that just goes PHUCK ET! Not because I don't care but why am I going to stress myself out about it? Ya I can try and not make him late but if it happens it happens right? Which leads me then to ask myself that looming question.....am I a good mother? And if I could answer myself, I would probably say "you already asked me that (a million times)!"

You don't know me

2009-09-08T11:57:00.000-07:00

I hate when people make assumptions about things in your life based on what they think they know about you. You don't know me. You don't know me outside my cubicle walls. Don't act like you do. You think you know what I do when my badge comes off and who I do it with..but you don't. So shut up. Don't ask me what I did with so and so this weekend because you think you know that I was with so and so this weekend. You just make yourself look stoopit! And if my badge was off, I'd tell you that to your face. But I don't see you when my badge is off because we're not friends and you don't know me.

Jelly Bean

2009-09-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

My good buddy Sam scopes out the blogs so I couldn't post these pics until now. I "slaved" away this weekend on a mini for Bean. It helped have such cute pictures of her. Scrapping is not a side of me Sam loves but she loves me for who I am and she loved the book! It turned out pretty good. As always, making gifts have been hard for me because I love them so much and hate having to give them away. Here's a few pics of my favorite pages.

Private School

2009-09-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

These days you have to shell out so much money for your kid to be in school that I often wonder, is this public school or private? I send my kid to public school for the FREE education. But it's no longer free. Prior to school starting you're given a list of school supplies a football field long. And good luck finding all the stuff. And they don't want just any crayons, they have to be Crayola crayons. So you end up spending a good $50 on supplies. Then there's the uniforms. Then comes the first day of school. They already want to suck you dry on the first day of school. Today I cut checks to Myford PTO for spirit wear, birthday book club, PTO membership (yup, there's a membership) and a yearbook. 100 bucks out the door in the blink of an eye. And I already know....next week their gonna want money for pictures. Here we go again.

What's your porn star name?

2009-09-08T08:45:00.000-07:00

I think I may be raising a future porn star. My son loves to be naked. Loves to run around naked, with his boy parts flapping. Loves other people to see him naked. Loves to touch himself. And this weekend he thought he'd take a stab at rubbing is boy parts on mommy's leg. It was O so funny to him and I was a bit more disgusted and reacted with a slap to his naked stomach (it's just where my hand landed, really wasn't time to plan it out). If you ask me, all that added up can only equal a porn star or professional nudist (if there is such a thing).

So if he where, let's just say, a porn star...what would his porn star name be. I always get these emails that tell you to put like the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on together and that's what your ridiculous porn star name would be. So Dillon might be something along the lines of Tigs Ramona??? Or maybe Tigs McAuley??? Not to sure about those. We may have to work on that part if this does become his day job. For now, we'll be keeping it in the pants.

Tears for Fears

2009-09-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

Today I dropped Dillon off at school and will not see him again until Sunday night. I made him give mommy extra kisses for every day I wouldn't see him. And then I cried. I cry every Friday he goes with his dad. It's been my little secret. I cry because of the unknown. I cry because I know no matter how well he may or may not be taken care of, it cannot be as good as when he is home with me. I cry because I don't know what danger he is exposed to. I cry because for two days I just do not know where he is, how he is, or what he's doing. It's a proven fact, we fear the unknown. I cry because I am afraid.

On another note, Dillon fought me this morning about taking his pill. He told me he would remember to be a "good boy" without it and blatantly asked me why he had to take it. I was a bit stupefied. In the end, he did though. But I worry, if it's already a battle how am I going to get him to take them for years to come??

Perma-Pill

2009-09-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

Dillon has been on medication now for ADHD for, I don't know, a couple weeks now. The change in him was remarkably noticeable the second day he was on the pills. Prior to pills, my son could hardly sit long enough to poop. On the pill, my son will sit, LITERALLY, for hours (and I mean like 4-6 hours) and "tweek" on lego's. It was amazing and a bit scary the first time it happened. The problem with his "smart pill" as they are called around our house is that they only last 8 hours. Before he takes his pill and after he takes his pill....I am stuck with the "devil child". The child who screams at me. The child who breaks down crying at the smallest thing like me turning the light of in a room while he is still in it. The child who back talks non stop. The child who makes angry faces at me as if, if he were capable, would kill me given the opportunity. The child who cries that no one likes him. The child who doesn't listen. The child that says he's listening but 5 minutes later is asking "what do you want me to do again?" Why can't there just be a permanent pill that he takes once and it last's forever so I can live with the "heavenly child" 24/7. The child that doesn't talk back. The child that asks for things nicely with please's and thank you's. The child that hugs me and kisses me affectionately. The child that will play quietly and pick up his mess without telling me "NOO!". The child that listens and responds with positivity. The child that sits instead of standing on my couch and counter tops. Why, o, why can't they invent this pill. The difference in my son on and off the pill is night and day. I have heard this is common but until you see it, you CAN NOT fully understand. It's almost this painful desire as a mother to just have a "normal" child, all the time. When we go somewhere or have plans, I feel like we have to be back home before 6 because my son turns back into a pumpkin.

One of the reasons, but not the only one, that my son is on the certain medication he is on is because he was not able to swallow a pill. This particular medication can be sprinkled on yogurt or applesauce and him take it that way. I say he "was not" able to because he IS able to now. Thank god! This means that when we go back next week to the psychiatrist she can probably, maybe, hopefully give me a 12 hour pill. And then flood gates will open and I will cry tears of joy because I will then have the "dream" child ALL...DAY....LONG!

School....Take 2!

2009-09-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

1st day of school! Yippeeeee! 2nd grade, here we come. My prayer is that my son is able to have a much more enjoyable and successful year than he did in 1st grade. I have the utmost confidence he will. My only one tiny bit of disappointment is there is a kid in his class I don't like. He's a punk and I hope we have no problems. But, other than that, it's gonna be a great year! I must give a special thank you to Sam. Without her, Dillon would have not been in uniform on the 1st day. She saved the day! I also must say in looking back on these pics, my son is a nut!

Mrs. Weiss (notice Dillon's desk is front and center)

Who does that?

2009-08-31T13:29:00.001-07:00

Who waits until the day before school starts to get uniforms for their kid. There isn't a store in the state that has any uniforms in stock. What kind of mother am I?

And the trophy goes to.......

2009-08-31T05:49:00.000-07:00

Been a little while since my last post. Quick catch up before I get to the good stuff, had a GREAT birthday! Received a lot of nice gifts. Probably more than I really deserved. Had a great weekend in Laughlin to top it off. Dillon was diagnosed with ADHD. We are now on the "meds" journey. Summers over. Back to school manana. Stay tuned for details on that. Uhhh, I think that may just sum up the last couple of weeks. Ohh, one more thing, had court. That was pretty stressful and our case was continued until JANUARY! Turned out pretty well for now though and that's all I can ask for.

OK, moving on. So Saturday we went to a chili cookoff. This was serious business. I was kind of expecting Bobby Flay to walk in at any moment and challenge a Throwdown. They had hard core judging, trophy's, certificates.....it was a lot of fun. I was even asked to judge! I got to judge the kid's chili entries. I was a little bummed they didn't give trophies for Best Judge so I guess I'll have to come up with a good chili recipe to enter for next year. We were in Yorba Linda and it was HOT! HOT! HOT! this weekend. Not just because we were in Yorba, it was just hot in general. Got to meet Mader and Papa, and some cousins, aunts uncles of the Milligans. Turned out to be a lot of fun....can't wait for next year. Here's a couple pictures from this weekend....

There were lizards everywhere. And of course my son has to try and catch all of them. In the beginning he was putting them in empty water bottles. He then decided to take them out and just carry them around on his arm. Amazingly they stayed put like true pets. A bit on the nasty side for me and I think they only stayed because they were terrified.

His two grew to three! And what you can't see in this picture....the hawk is gone.

This I found on my phone by surprise. This was a friend Dillon made while we were there and apparently he felt she was photo worthy. The picture itself turned out pretty great. He's quite the little photog!

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the one and only, the great, Mr. Jimmy Milligan! We were lucky enough to have him come out for the chili cookoff and spend the weekend with us. He is a great, kind and funny man. But, all good things must come to an end and he heads home (Arizona) today. We will miss him. We are planning a trip to Laughlin again in early October and hopefully he will be able to meet us there. I think it goes without saying that he had no clue I was playing paparrazi.

ADHD Update

2009-08-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

So, today's a big day in the Dillon world. We have been referred to a real life kiddie shrink. Will there be a couch to lay on? Hmmm, I shall find out. Dillon has not made much progress in his ongoing counseling since April and so we are going to a psychiatrist for a medication consult. I feel like this has dragged on long enough and I better leave there today with a prescription. I'm eager to see improvements. Last night as I was gathering paperwork to give the new doc, I came across one of Dillon's report cards from Kindergarten. I have long been telling "these people" that these problems were an issue back in Kindergarten. This is not a new thing with Dillon, it's only progressed and progressed rapidly. Sure enough, this report card showed that he scored below grade level back then for behavior and citizenship and there is a note from the teacher about him being on a behavior contract. So my memory did serve me correct. I am thankful though that he is in a school now that brought this to my attention that it could be a more serious issue than him just being a "bad kid". I believe in my heart that had we stayed where we were, he would just be kicked to the wayside. So, we'll see how today goes. I have some anxiety but I think it may be a lot of excitement too. I just want him to have a good year this year in 2nd grade....is that too much to ask?!

Birthdays....I don't need 'em

2009-08-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

What does it mean when other people think about your birthday more than you do? It only this week struck me that my birthday is Sunday and only because someone mentioned it. Otherwise, I don't think of it. And even still after realizing it, I don't think about it. I guess it's just another day to me. Weird? I don't know. Maybe I guess if it was a big birthday I might but I don't know. I kind of dread them in a way too because the more birthday's you have, the closer you are to death and that's just a constant fear I don't need reminding of. So, that's it...birthday's cancelled this year.

So Sad

2009-08-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday there was a mass shooting at a gym in Bridgeville, PA. I am sad for the families of those that were killed. I think when things like this happen we think about what if it had been us. Those innocent women just going to the gym to workout. Maybe they had kids at home waiting for them to come back. Maybe they had just put their kids to bed before they went to the class. I think about what if that had happened to me. I probably wouldn't have been going to the gym but I ran to the market last night in the middle of making dinner to get milk because I realized the milk I had was spoiled. What if I had ran into the Ralph's to get my milk and the same thing had happened just like those women. Did they have dinner in the oven like I did? Did they have laundry going like I did? They probably had left their homes and briskly told their husbands they would be back in an hour after the class. Not even the shadow of a thought that they would never see them again. Their lives so suddenly put to a screeching halt. Life and the motions it involves just stop. If I could time warp to their homes right now I envision baskets of laundry that never got folded. Mail on the counter that had just been dropped there. Beds unmade from the rush that morning in trying to get out of the house. Work clothes on the bedroom floor from changing for class. Chicken thawing for dinner. Half drank carton of orange juice that may or may not ever be finished now. And I know when she bought it she didn't think she wouldn't be alive to finish that carton of OJ. It's almost as if you wish you could go back in time and tell her (all of the hers) in the time before their death that it was coming. As if I could be at the market with her when she bought that OJ to tell her when she was bending over to place it in her cart that "you won't get to finish that OJ before you die" or when she was putting that last load of clothes in the washer "you won't be putting those in the dryer before you die". But how far back do you go in someones life if you could do that? Because we all die eventually. Some just sooner than others and some more unexpectedly than others. A week, a month or years back. I guess it's only after they die that you know. I guess it's just another slap in the face with that good ole lesson, tell the ones you love that you love them. She may have left her husband briskly. Maybe didn't even kiss him before she left. Assuming she would back. That's our problem...we all foolishly assume we'll be back... but the fact remains, we're never guaranteed tomorrow.

My First Gift

2009-07-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Had a busy weekend this weekend. Busy scrapbooking weekend. Saturday, drove out with Vickie to Gabrielle's in Victorville (damn it was hot!) and we had a sleepover! It was fab-u-lous! Scrapped until the early hours of the morning (like 3 a.m.). I had the need to make something girly so I made this little mini album for my good friends Luis and Melody. I hope they like it. I worked really hard, at least 8 hours, on it. It's the first scrapbook I've ever made for someone as a gift so I hope they like it. I made the book out of paper bags. The openings of the bags creates little pockets where I stuck tags inside that have Emma's name and her birthday facts (weight, birth time, etc.). It isn't completely full. I was short a couple of pictures so I thought I would let them choose which two pictures they want to go on the last pages and then I'll finish it up. Take a gander at my hard work......

By the way, also went to Gab's class yesterday...totally kicked my ass. This project is very detailed. Needless to say, I am no where near being finished with it so I can't even begin to think about blogging about it. I will probably have to make a trip to Victorville in two weeks (another sleepover, YEAH!!!) and finish it then. I had set a little goal for myself too before this class that I wouldn't let anyone help me, mainly with cutting my paper. I didn't want to have to depend on anyone this time like I did last time. Man did I pick the WRONG class to set that goal for. I am proud of myself though that I did do it all myself and find comfort in the fact that no one else finished there project either. Hopefully I can beat them all in completing. Let me wish summer vacations and busy schedules upon them all so they don't have time to work on it and then I can win the prize for finishing first (AGAIN)!!!

Rock the Hawk!

2009-07-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dillon has always wanted a mowhawk....sometimes begs for it. I have never been a fan of them. I realize he's a boy and that's just something that comes along with it, but I've never been a fan. Plus, there a big no-no at school. But it's summer time and his hair was pretty long, whereas it's usually buzzed, so I agreed. Only for the summer though. Come August 31st (first day of school eve), it comes off. He agreed and all in all, it turned out pretty cool!

Check it out....

2009-07-15T08:32:00.001-07:00

Look what I'm gonna make at my next class! I don't know that is something I will keep for myself. I don't know for sure, it might be a gift though. Not this Saturday but the next Saturday, the adventure begins...

Special Delivery!

2009-07-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Came home last night and had a surprise waiting for me. I bought my first very own scrapbooking tools (and tool bag!) and they arrived yesterday. The pictures a little blurry but I got a Corner Chomper and a Big Bite. Corner Chomper....pretty self explanatory. The Big Bite....punches holes and sets grommets and stuff. The purple thing is my paper trimmer that Aida got me. I got a couple other little things like some distressing ink and some tweezers and some stuff for my very own first scrapbook that's soon to come. I'm so excited....gonna start tonight!

Whatever Happened to......

2009-07-15T08:11:00.000-07:00

Time for a little round of Whatever Happened to.... This one isn't too far off the radar but far enough to mention, I think. Whatever happened to Octomom. Funny thing happens when a big news story like MJ's death comes along, other top stories tend to get pushed to the back burner. Like Jon and Kate went to the way side but they're starting to make a comeback. But Octomom...not so much. I did some research. Turns out, she's been in the hospital. Having some surgeries to remove some little tumors in her girly plumbing. One question was brought up, why does she need to get her girly plumbing fixed as opposed to just having a hysterectomy since she claims she isn't having anymore kids. Things that make you go hmmmmmm.... There's also some reports (not legit ones) that one of her son's attacked her mom (grandma) with a knife. So she's still around and could be back in action before we know it.

Regrets

2009-07-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

I don't believe those people who are on their death beds and say they have no regrets in life. Or even the ones that aren't on their death beds and say it. I think everyone does have a regret or two or three or so on and so one. While they may be small and minor, you have one. The tough part comes in when you have a regret that also might be your greatest accomplishment. Then things get a little sticky. For example, my BIGGEST regret......breeding with a complete JACK ASS! But it gets tricky because I came out of it with my son, which I don't regret. If I had a penny for every time I've heard "what were you thinking", I could have paid for Michael Jackson's funeral myself. It's a bit of an unfortunate situation I find myself in. But I deal.....

Deal with the bullshit from the jackass. Like when he calls to harass me over back child support he owes. Like when he files for child support modification to pay less child support when he doesn't even pay as it is. Like when he threatens to not give me my son and leaves me to ponder calling the police and having them remove my son, regardless of the detriment it might cause OUR son. Like when he does the exact opposite of what I say just to be a jackass. Like when acts like he's 5 instead of 40. Like when he tells me he does me favors but really does me none at all and fails to realize it's me that does the favors (with no thanks). Like when he calls his own Mother and tells her she is not allowed to take Dillon at my request unless I clear it with him first. Like when he conveniently runs out of minutes on his prepaid cell phone so I can't text him or call him. Like when he says to call him on his house phone and his girlfriend answers and goes off on me as if I owe her the time of day. The list goes on and on.......

Super Frightening

2009-07-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes you have those dreams that are so vivid and replay over and over in your head hours after you've awaken....I had one last night. This one was on the verge of a nightmare though and it just keeps replaying and each time I feel frightened. Maybe because this one is one that I've feared in the past could be a reality for me. I had a terrible dream that my ex-husband was pretending to make amends and wanted to hug me but I feared he would stab me. I can't get it to stop playing in my head. It's like having some lame song stuck in your head all day...like Right Said Fred or something like that. STOP!!

In love....

2009-07-06T07:39:00.001-07:00

I'm in love with the new Pink album. Just had to say...LOOOOVE ET!

WTF

2009-07-06T07:36:00.000-07:00

Having to explain your titles is like having to explain a joke gone wrong. It just doesn't have the same affect afterwards.

All done!

2009-07-06T06:12:00.001-07:00

It's all done....my first scrapbook I mean....it's all done!! And it turned out great. I can NOT for the life of me stop looking at it. I love it so much and I am so proud of myself for A...doing it and B....finishing it and not letting it go to the wayside. I just had this adrenaline rush on Saturday and couldn't stop working on it until it was done. I kept telling myself every hour that went by that it was almost done.

I have so many projects in my head that I want to do I had to start writing them down this weekend so I wouldn't forget and drawing little sketches even. I also need to start building my supplies up. Already scouted out a tool I'm going to purchase this week that I think the girls will love cause I don't think any of them have it. That way I can share just as they have shared with me. OOOO and....I got my first tool this weekend from Aida....a paper cutter thing. I'm sure it has a more proper name but I'm still working on all that. I love it!

I owe a special thanks to those who helped me and taught me....I couldn't have done it without you and you know who you are. Here's some pics of the finished project. I didn't want to post pictures of the whole thing so these are just a few of my favorite pages. And hopefully I was the first one to finish so I can win the special prize (I hope, I hope, I hope). Fingers and toes crossed!

Ketchup or Catsup???

2009-07-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged (last week), so I thought I'd catch up on some things. Phewwww! Feels like I'm just getting into bed after a long day getting all this off my mind.

So, went Scrapping (still not sure if that's a legit word) on Sunday. Had a BLAAAAST! It was so much fun. I loved it! I have been called a Natural by the pro's even. I loved but there was also a teeny bit of me that didn't like it. Let me explain. I am a bit of a perfectionist and there's parts about scrapping where things aren't perfect and it's hard for me to tell myself to just let go and let it be messy. Like when you ink the pages. Part of me says I have to put the ink evenly around the edges so it's all straight. But that's not how it works. It's supposed to be uneven and that's where the internal struggle comes in. But I think I did a good job at letting it go. I also have this issue where afterwards I nit pick. I could have done this better. I shouldn't have done that. I should have put this here. Stuff like that. But all in all, I'm hoooked! I even won a raffle for another kit and I can't wait to sign up for the next class! My scrapbook isn't done yet so I'll wait to post pics when it is.

Scrapping was on Sunday and I almost didn't make it. Sunday morning we got a call that Joe Milligan (cousin) was in the ICU, basically for kidney failure. The details were sketchy initially but once the information came in it was pretty heartwrenching. Sunday night we were able to see him and the doctor's even came in while we were there and we were able to get the full scoop. You see, Joe has been having some issues going #1. But, he's a boy and boy's just have a tendency to not worry about things when it comes to their health so he just let it go. Well it kinda caught up with him. Turns out he has a blockage somewhere and his kidneys are shutting down and his other surrounding organs are filling with pee. His kidney's were operating at only 5% and he nearly died. He is still very, very sick. He has seen some improvement in his numbers since he was admitted Saturday but he is still not out of the clear and they still don't know what the problem is. Yesterday they put ink into his body and were able to locate the blockage. Today they will be putting a camera inside to get a better look and will also be putting tubes in his back, directly to his kidney's to drain the pee. This was a procedure he was dreading and we were hoping it wouldn't come to that. But he is optimistic and is open to letting the doctor's do what they need to do to get him better. I tried to take his picture to post on my blog but he wasn't havin' it. He said NO WAY! It's been a tough last few weeks for the Milligan's and they could use the prayers, so keep 'em coming!

My life is about to get a bit more easier. Grandma and Grandpa Meador are coming home from Me-jico tomorrow and will be here the whole summer!!! YEAH!!! Let me explain the reason for my excitement if you don't know. When G&G are here.....that means Dillon is there, at their house. That means break from being a mom for me!!! WOOO HOOO! That also means, less I have to deal with DBD (dead beat dad). So tomorrow night afterwork I will make the trek to the LBC to drop off Dillon until Monday night!!! Then I'll pick him up Monday night and then take him back out there Wednesday night (not sure why I'm bringing him home for two days but whatever) and then it's off to....

THE RIVER!!!! Annual River trip is coming up next week. Finally excited about it this week when the Ontiveros-Padilla crew confirmed they'd be going and Sweet Bob & Rudy too! So it's on now!! Laughlin here we come. Leaving Thursday night and coming back Monday. Not so bathing suit ready but PHUCK IT!!

Scrappers?

2009-06-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I'm going to a Scrapbooking class. I know, call me retarded. It's something I do admire in those that do it. There are things I've seen made that I love but it's never been something I've had the time or money to invest in. But I have a friend who is teaching a class and apparently like, runs a business doing this and the class she is teaching is this adorable album that's boyish that I want to make. She has assured me I can do it. She has assured me it comes with step by step directions.

What are these women called that do scrapbooking.....Scrappers? And why do they call it Scrapbooking?.......They don't use scraps. From the looks of it, it's a pretty pricey hobby if you ask me. Anyway, I don't know if I'll become a permanent "Scrapper" but I do want to see what all this is about. My first question was if there was alcohol at these functions to which the answer was a firm NO....which is a bit of a turn-off. I kinda thought it was like a women's poker night kinda deal, or Bunco. Everyone sits around and scraps and gets plastered. But no....it's serious business. I learned from Gabrielle's blog (withthislifeiwilllive.blogspot.com) that they even have like houses built for scrapping retreats.......INSANE. She makes adorable stuff though and I guess it's like any other hobby...same take it more seriously than others.

Stay tuned Monday for details of my adventures and check out what I'm going to make here:

http://withthislifeiwilllive.blogspot.com/2009/05/cosmo-cricketoh-my.html

Happy Anniversary!

2009-06-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

This week will mark the one year anniversary of my relocation to the OC & Irvine.....Happy Anniversary OC! I have loved every minute of it since I signed my lease. I love where I live (no pun intended...that's the IVC's tag line). I love that my son is able to attend a great school. I love that I no longer have to drive an hour plus to get home. I love that I can let my son play outside without being in constant fear. I love that my son can leave his bike and scooter on the porch at night and they will be there the next day. I love that I don't have to listen to sirens at night anymore. I love that we live in a big city (the nation's largest, safest city I must point out) but we have coyote warnings and my son can chase lizards and there's hummingbirds that visit my patio. I love the rent is so high it keeps the rif-raf out.

We occasionally have to drive to the old "hood" and we always make it a point to drive past the old house. The area gets worse and worse each time we go. I continue to follow the local news out there and it seems like each time I check it there is more and more serious crimes happening closer and closer to our old house. I do miss the area because I grew up there, but I am thankful everyday that I am able to live where I live now and provide a great place for my son to grow up in. The high rent is worth every penny and I look forward to many more years in the OC!

IEP Meeting

2009-06-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

I have had this bizarre eye twitching for the last few weeks that irritates the hell out of me. Dr. Fahrney diagnosed me as being STRESSED, thus the eye twitching. While I can name 100 reasons why I am stressed, I think I was able to knock one of the list this morning (but my eye is still twitching).

Today was the long awaited IEP meeting at school for Dillon. They had completed their assessments and I had to show up for the "results show". Long story short, Dillon doesn't have a learning disability. He scored at or above average on most everything (math is an issue for him as it was for me). That was comforting. See....he really is smart. Then came the behavioral tests which he completely bombed. There were assessments done and surveys from myself and his teacher. He clearly has attention & impulsivity issues. He was scaled at being clinically significant for aggression, hyperactivity, depression and conduct problems which was incredibly heartbreaking. The words have been thrown my way before and each time I hear them it gets harder and harder because the more you hear it....the more it seems to become the truth.

The best part of the meeting was that I learned who Dillon's teacher was going be for 2nd grade. I have seen this teacher around and by all appearances she's a hard ass which is what Dillon needs. Of course they didn't think she was when I asked but they aren't going to say that either. They referred to her as "disciplined" and "structured".

They have suggested recommendations for Dillon which I will need to follow up on at the beginning of the year to make sure they are enforced. Which means I will have to pursue a Section 504 for Dillon to make their recommendations requirements. This also puts us one step closer to medication as well.

2 more days til school is out for the summer! YEAH!!!

Welcome!

2009-06-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

Just a quick welcome to the newest member of the blogging community.....Jacob. Check out his first blog at: http://thoughtfulincoherants.blogspot.com/.

My favorite part of his blog, the title. Very creative I thought. Suits him well. My least favorite, all that crap-ola he has on there. But hey, it's his blog. Your blog is what you want it to be.

Memorial Day 2009

2009-05-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

Monday we got Summer started with a BBQ and had friends over to swim. The weather was kinda crappy in the morning, even looked like it was going to rain. But as the day went on the weather actually turned out really nice. Last summer we lived at the pool and lived on BBQ and it was nice to be back. Looking forward to a nice Summer!

Waiting for the waves!

Running for the CANNON BALL!

Wook at those cute wittle freckles!

The Squirt Master

Dillon & his foam beard

Love this picture!

Meet & Greet with Irvine PD

2009-05-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

So this morning I was in the shower and Dillon comes in and tells me the police are at our house. After the instant panic left my body I immediately asked Dillon why they were here. Why?....I don't know. As if the 7 year old knows why the cops are here. He, of course, says he doesn't know. Dripping wet, I threw on my robe and ran to the door. Sure enough, there was nice young man standing at my door from the Irvine PD.

Turns out, the 7-year-old DID know why the police were there......HE CALLED THEM! Apparently he wanted to see if 911 really worked. I apologized profusely and the nice officer gave Dillon a little speakin' to. Notice I said speakin', not SPANKIN....which is what he'll be getting later--couldn't do it while the officer was still on the premises.

Toby Keith

2009-05-26T16:05:00.001-07:00

I listen to all types of music and enjoy all types of music, depending on my mood. But I have a special place in my heart for Country music. It can make you laugh, make you mad and make you cry. I often get asked why I like Country music. I think if I had to sum it up I would say that it's because it's relate-able.

I bought my first actual Country CD this weekend. I've downloading songs before but never actually bought a whole CD. My first one...Toby Keith. I've always loved his songs but I especially love this CD. I have a rule that I won't spend money on a CD unless there's at least 3 songs off it that I love. I love almost all of the songs on this one. My two most absolute favorites "She Never Cried In Front Of Me" & "Lost You Anyway". Both are songs I relate to my ex-husband. In my dreams, he sings these to himself about me.

Product Review - Purex 3-in-1

2009-05-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

As a regular at Tar-jay, I've seen these on display for a while now. Wasn't really sure what it was but the packaging was eye catching and I have never had the time to stop and check it out. But last week I saw a commercial on T.V. for it so I picked some up this weekend.

I definitely LOVE the idea but it needs improvement. They are these sheets you toss in the wash and it has the detergent and softner already on it. So, no measuring, no spilling.....it's great. Then you toss the sheet in the dryer with your clothes and it's a dryer sheet also. All 3 products in 1 (hence the name). The sheets smelled great in the box but my clothes didn't come out smelling all that great. I think it's a great idea but needs to be further developed by like Tide. I've never been a big fan of Purex to begin with. I also think they need to take it a step further and make ones that also have bleach....for the white loads.

If you give them a try, get a coupon from Purex.com first. It will save you a little because they are also kinda pricey....$5.99 for 20 loads.

Boys & Girls Club

2009-05-19T05:11:00.001-07:00

Last night we went to check out the Boys & Girls club for Dillon. He currently goes to CDC at the school. At the time I needed an after school program for him, it was a great option. In retrospect....it was a BIG rip-off! I have tolerated it until recently. They asked me for the Fall registration fee of $80.00 now (4 months early) and send a flyer home on Tuesday and tell me it needs to be paid by Friday. Maybe they didn't read on my forms where it said SINGLE MOM LIVING IN IRVINE.....I don't have $80.00 lying around to hand out on a whim. I made them wait to get the $80.00 until my next pay day. A week after I gave it to them I find out that the rates in the Fall are going up, a total of $100.00 but they were kind enough to break it up over 10 months so it appears to the naked eye that it's only a $10.00 increase. REGARDLESS, they charge too much as it is. My kid is there 2 hours a day. And it's at the school. It's not like they have to go pick him up anywhere; he walks to them. And, if you see this place...it's the Walmart of daycare. Anyway, they currently charge me $427.00 a month, regardless if he's there or not. And it's all due on the 1st. One....lump....sum.

I also had been hounding them to give me the summer rate information so I could plan ahead. I knew I'd be spending more but hold on to your seat when I tell you they want $720.00 a month in the summer. SCREW THAT SHIT! Are you kidding me? And might I point out, this I found out on the same day I find out my ex filed for child support modification. He feels he should have to pay less! Ya, my ass was sore that day since neither of them used VASELINE! They feel the $720 is worth it since they take them places. Like Hollywood to the movie theater. Ummm, why do they think I want them to haul my child all the way to Hollywood? Could you just image my anxiety levels that day. PANIC CITY!

So anyway, the search was on for summer care. I made it clear to Dillon he wasn't going to CDC in the summer because his mom couldn't afford it. Straight out...no sugar coating that one. I remember seeing a flyer in his Friday folder about the boys and girls club. When we got home I scoured the house for and when I found it, something caught my eye. $100.00 a week! That's $400.00 a month, during the summer. That's $27.00 less than I'm paying now for 2 hour-a-day care. And $320.00 less in the summer that I would have paid CDC. So we went to check it out last night.

I have to say, it is a little of the beaten path but that's minor in comparison. And the best news, Dillon loved it. Well, I don't know....that might have to take second or tie for best news with the fact that I can get him now and in the Fall for $160.00 a month AND they pick him up from school. Remember CDC was going to hike my rates in the fall to $437.00. So starting in September, I'll be saving $277.00 a month. So he starts there on June 1.

The place is great. They have a huge game room with pool tables that Dillon loved. They have a huge computer room where the kids can win prizes if they answer questions right. They have a huge gym. An Art room. A library. An animal room with snakes and iguanas and fish and birds and all kinds of things. They feed him breakfast and lunch. They were handing out pizzas when we were there. I mean, the list goes on and on. They clearly aren't in it for the money. The want first and last weeks summer tuition which would be $200.00 but they said I could pay one week and make payments on the second. UHHHH.....WHUUUUT?

When I put Dillon to bed last night he asked me if he was going to start there tomorrow! Great news, huh! Just a side note, when I was researching the club I found that a lot of famous people have gone to the club. Cuba Gooding Jr. even went to the same club Dillon is going to in Tustin. The futures looking brighter....

Weekend Update

2009-05-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

Had a pretty busy weekend this weekend. Partied with the Fahrney's on Friday night for Scott's Birthday Luau. Nicole got leied (by me) and Pierre left early (after he said he wouldn't).

Went to a beautiful Memorial on Saturday for my good buddy Luis' dad, who passed away on Monday. Luis has always spoken fondly of his dad and I can remember many times, Luis passing on things we were doing to be with his dad. Or you would ask Luis what he was doing over the weekend and he would almost always have something with his dad. Luis and his dad were like best friends. I remember the last time we saw Big Lou at Luis's 30th Birthday and you could tell he was so proud of Luis. Proud of him as a son and as a father.

I played paparazzi on Saturday and snapped this pic of Luis and Emma when they weren't looking...

Single Mom?

2009-05-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

I'm all for subliminal messages but I'm debating if this one crosses the line....You be the judge.

It Was A Mother's Dream Day

2009-05-12T06:13:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day turned out to be a dream day, as expected. I slept in until about 9:00. Enjoyed a nice cuppa joe on my patio and then did not a damn thing all day. Didn't get dressed. Nothing. Relaxed. No kid to watch. No whinning to listen to. No one to have to watch. No one to have to please. It was pure bliss! I even found the nicest Mother's Day card hidden in my fridge!

Back up to Friday. I arrived home after a long days work and went to open my patio door blinds only to find a special delivery on my patio. I hate surprises but I love these roses. The picture doesn't do them justice. They are beautiful even to this day!

It was a Happy Mother's Day!

Addiction

2009-05-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

Some people have alcohol, crack, shoes....you name it. I have Cheez-it's. Love, LOVE them. Can eat them anytime of day, all day. When I was a kid they were like a luxury. We would only get them rarely but when we did it was the Gimongous box from "Price Club". And my cousins and I would pretend to make little sandwiches. One was the bottom bread, then one for the cheese and then one for the meat and then one for the top bread. It was really just our way of cramming 4 in our mouth at one time. I can also remember when I was in A.M. Kindergarten coming home and getting a PB&J and Cheez-its from my Mim. O sweet Cheez-its!

Eat Mexican Food

2009-05-05T08:26:00.001-07:00

So this morning my son asked me, "Mom, what do we do when it's Cinco De Mayo?" I thought for a minute about it because I really couldn't say "Throw back some P-to-the-TRON" to my 7 year old. So I said...."We eat Mexican food". This holiday suddenly became less interesting to him since he is not a fan of Mexican food as is his mother. I then proceeded to explain to him in simple 7 year old terms, what Cinco De Mayo means and why we celebrate it. Happy Cinco De Drinko!

Donald & Daffy

2009-04-30T08:33:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I strolled into the office about 4:45 am and there was this duck chillin in the fountain. It was early and I was tired and thought I was seeing things. All day I was baffled where this duck came from. Some people didn't believe me when I told them what I had seen. The concierge said she sees them all the time and they fly in from the nearby wetlands. I didn't think (call me tarded) that these kind of ducks (mallards I guess they are) flew.

So then...this morning I was actually leaving to go back home and guess what I saw? Not one, but two. Donald and Daffy were chillin again. Apparently they felt threatened and started running....sorry....waddling away from me. They didn't really like my paparazzi like moves either. But I was able to snap a couple pics. Daffy is the brown one and Donald is the one with green around his neck. Donald is the one I saw yesterday. I think tomorrow I might need to bring some stale bread for them and get them up close for a photo session. Don't be jealous!

Who does that?

2009-04-29T13:48:00.000-07:00

Who still wears Crocs? They should have never been worn in the first place if you ask me. Rarely are they even cute on children. But this trend needs to die and be buried with Bell Bottoms immediatley, if not sooner. Ix-nay on the Crocs-ay.....PRONTO!

R.A.D. Reader

2009-04-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

Today was the 1st Grade Awards Assembly and Dillon received an Award. He got the R.A.D. Reader award. Not exactly sure what R.A.D. stands for but whatever. Apparently they have these every month. You only get invited when your kid receives an award. In case you didn't notice, this was my first one (and the year is almost over). But hey, progress counts.

Dillon was so excited. The kids were excited for him too. As soon as they all saw me they were telling him Dillon you're getting an award ‘cause your mom is here. It's as if they all know Dillon is the kid that never gets awards and every month they look to see if I'm there to know if he is. Afterwards kids were congratulating him....it was really cute!

My camera battery died (maybe a little overuse from Saturday) so I had to use my phone camera and it takes terrible pictures. A little bummed out but the memories are up here (tap, tap) in the ‘ole noggin and that's all that matters.

O and.....stapled to the back of his award was a certificate for Pat & Oscar's.

O and....I have to get a frame ‘cause that baby is going up on the wall of fame (I have to get a wall of fame too!).

Party of the Century (so I hear)!

2009-04-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Word on the OC street is....if you weren't there...you're square. The party turned out great to say the least. Most everyone showed and the kids had a BLAST! I have heard from a few parents since then that they and their kids enjoyed the party & thanked me for the invite. The report from school today was that the kids can't wait for Dillon's next party. I should probably start saving now. Now I know how Sam feels....Gotta go bigger and better next year! Although it wasn't my intention....I think it's safe to say I fulfilled the OC Mom Party Standard and then some. Dillon got A LOT of gifts, all of which he loved. If I had to award a prize, I would say it goes to Denise and the girls. He really loved those Bakugan's.

I heard the food was great. I wouldn't really know since I didn't get any. I was kind of counting on having some later at home until I learned that Strike threw out all the left overs (and there was a lot) which made me a bit upset. I did scarf down 2 sliders and they were damn good! Another con of the party....I didn't think the cake was all that great. I got it at Albertson's because they were the only ones who had Star Wars the Clone Wars cakes but their cake wasn't that good.

I have to give credit were credit is due though...A special thanks to Sam for helping me keep my sanity pre-party with her words of wisdom and positivity despite my near panic attack and a special thanks to Denise and the "O" girls for the GREAT (and I mean GREAT) photo's (one less thing I had to worry about)! I couldn't post all of them but narrowed down my top 15 or 20 though. I must also thank Jake & Joe for the behind the scenes work with balloons and gift hauling.

I will be sending a letter to Strike to thank them also. The staff there was great! Threatening me with danger if I lifted a finger. Valarie there even sensed my stress level and offered me Vodka Monsters to help. Shawn was great with serving the kids and helping them with bowling. The staff there were really great (I know, I know...I already said that but they really were).

No longer have to hide the Wii!

Great gift Sam!

Not gonna score any chicks with that face, Joe!

Microscope was a hit...the kid next to him peed he was so excited!

Dillon & Mom with his Bakugan loot!

School Gang & Little Miss Laura!

The Gang!

The other love of his life....Ms. Nelligan!

Capital D....Dork!

Who needs a clown at the party when you have Dillon!

Dillon: Cheers, Haniya? Haniya: Uhhh...Boys!

Cake Time!

Boys seal of approval!

Time to Bowl!

The most precious little girl ever made...Sweet Bean!

Who, might I add, bowled like a champ!

Even clothes were exciting..thanks Aida!

Devastated

2009-04-27T10:01:00.000-07:00

I will post about the party this weekend but first I need to vent on a more depressing issue that has come up this morning. I blindly picked up my work phone this morning and it was Mim. She wasted no time in cutting to the chase.....she wants me to get her a ticket (actually two, one for her and one for her dog) to come back at the end of June. Didn't ask. Didn't say, hey what do you think about. None of that. Was very matter of fact about it as if I had no choice or say in the matter. Her claim was that my Aunt was leaving for two weeks and one of my cousins would be there who is bi polar and who my grandma doesn't like to be around (mind you this is one of her own grandchildren) and she doesn't want to be there with her for two weeks. I think she's lying to me to get to come back. #1, she has told me many times, as recently as last week, that my cousin Jennifer was not living there. #2, she told them a similar lie when she wanted to leave there and come here last time.

Why is this news devastating? Because I don't want her to live with me. When I asked her how long she planned on being her, I got the manipulative answer..."What, you don't want me there". That's not what I said, answer the question. She then came back with her manipulative whine telling me she doesn't want to go back ever again. She doesn't like it there. She doesn't like the way they live there (which mind you is very similar to the way the she lives) so why they aren't compatible is beyond me. She complains their dirty...she is too. She complains they eat out too much....she would live on Taco Bell and KFC if she could. She complains their dogs piss everywhere.....so does hers. I'm baffled.

Why don't I want her to live with me? Well, a lot of reasons actually. I have no privacy. I am dealing with a lot of stuff with Dillon and she doesn't help the situation any. The two of them fight incessantly and she has no patience whatsoever for kids. She is very critical of the things I do, mainly as a parent. She is not a clean person. She is very messy and I am very anal. NOT a good combo. She has no transportation. I even found out that she sold her car to my Aunt. So when she's here, I have to take off of work to take her to her doctor's appointments. And if I can't, I get the guilt trip of the century. As if she will die if she doesn't see her doctor. It's like having another child. She always wants to go to eat. She refuses to shop at Target. She will only shop at Walmart. And in case no one has noticed....there are NO Walmart's in Irvine. The nearest Walmart is in Foothill Ranch. Which is right around the corner if I'm going to Sam & Scott's but it's sooo far if I have to go to Walmart. And really it is considering Target is in my front yard.

And it's not like there are any perks to her living with me. And she has only been gone 3 months but she acts as if she has no recollection of how it was when she was here or why she left in the first place. Bottom line, I need to look into senior apartments. I just can't have her living with me. Stay tuned...

Priceless

2009-04-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

Bowling Party at Strike: $1,211.53
Invitations: $70.25
Party Favors: $135.65
Balloons: $58.63
Cake: $32.70
Wii for the Birthday Boy: $300.00
My son telling me he is so excited about his party tomorrow & "I love you mommy" in the same sentence: PRICELESS!

Birthday Recap

2009-04-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to Red Robin for Dillon's Birthday dinner. He wanted to go there because they sing to you when it's your birthday. He kept asking the waitress when they were coming to sing to him and when they finally did...he was stunned. Speechless even. I don't know if he thought it would be as big a deal as it was or what. Then he devoured his Ice Cream Sunday.

Today Dillon has his first appointment with Tena, his "therapist" so we won't have much time tonight but tomorrow night will be Party Favor Party....all hands on deck for assembly. Then Saturday is the BIG day! I will undoubtedly need a drink afterwards.

Who does that?

2009-04-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

Celebrates Earth Day? Thanks to Al Gore and his green movement, it's like a real holiday now. It wasn't 7 years ago. It was barely a blip on the holiday calendar. Now it's taking over...events planned at school, trash bashes, everyone wear green and walk everywhere. My issue - it's overshadowing the fact that it's my kids birthday dammit. Pipe down tree huggers!